Keeping the Fun in Functional ADHD Play Dates
When it comes to potentially making a new friend, we ADHDers are often pedal to the medal 100% or nothing at all, rarely saving space for anywhere in between. This often leaves us in one of three situations; totally exhausted and over the friendship almost as quickly as it began, wondering why the other person seems to be avoiding us after our first conversation, which to us seemed so rich, deep and enlightening, or choosing loneliness over the nauseatingly boring and completely draining small talk that seems to be necessary for making friends in the first place. What if there was a fourth way this could go that was stimulating enough to keep your interest, sustainably energizing, and more likely to encourage a long term sense of reciprocal belonging on both sides of the friendship? Read on to find out more!
Five tips on fun and functional adhd one on ones
Use your senses: Funnel all your excited energy into what the other person has to say and on providing nonverbal cues that you’re listening such as keeping eye contact, leaning forward, mirroring their body language, and listening for a break in their cadence for an appropriate time to nod your head communicating their words have sunken in. It might also help to think about the ways you most easily take in or comprehend information, for example visually, auditorily, or through touch, and corresponding adaptations that might help, such as drawing or writing down what they say, asking for repetition, asking to see pictures, or requesting to walk or do a simultaneous activity while talking.
Reflect and Confirm: Your exuberant energy can also be funneled into expressing your understanding of what they said and asking if your interpretation is what they meant to express. This not only lets them know you’re listening but also lets them know how much you care about receiving their specific message. It also communicates to the other person how much you respect, welcome, and cherish their ideas.
Use relative/observant language: When sharing your thoughts, make sure to use situation specific language rather than absolutes like never and always. For example, when I don’t hear from you for a week after I call you, I feel worried and ignored. I would like you to return my calls within a few days or, at most, within a week after I call. Or, I’m noticing you're hanging your head and frowning today. I wonder if you could tell me more about that.
Know and balance intense topics: Be aware of topics you know you have a lot of passion about and make sure to balance soap boxes about these with questions for the other person about their perspective/experience with the issue, changing the subject entirely, or inviting humor into the conversation.
Allow time, space, and choice: Regarding the pace of future get-togethers, even if you’re way ecstatic about how much fun you’ve had with this person, allow some time to pass between the next play date. Funnel that ecstatic energy into planning a specific day and time to reach back out, perhaps a couple or three days afterwards, on your calendar, in a place it will remind you, to intentionally contact them again. You may also choose to tell them, at the end of the first meet-up, how much you enjoyed your time with them and how you hope to do it again soon. However, feel free to let the ball be in the other person’s court to send you choices of future dates and times. Give them at least a few days to send you an invitation and choice of date and time before reaching out again, which you can feel free to schedule on your calendar too.
To wrap up, navigating budding friendships can be an elusive and tricky thing for us ADHDers. However, today’s tips have hopefully opened your heart and mind to novel ways of working with your awesomely unique enthusiasm in a way that communicates deliberate respect, honor, and space for the other person while also showing up as true to your unique design as possible.