Parts work for peace
Have you ever noticed yourself feeling so avidly in one direction about a topic but feeling the complete opposite direction the next day or even within the next five minutes? Perhaps you’ve felt torn in two different directions when faced with an important decision. It can be a huge opportunity for guilt and shame about being indecisive or a push over. What if these different inner opinions were not only a normal part of responding to stress but tools for reaching an especially insightful, peaceful, and solid decision? Stay tuned to learn more.
Value the tug of war: Our western culture teaches us that taking a specific stand on a decision and standing by that decision as well as taking that stand quickly are two of the most important signs of success in this world. However, taking the time to consider several different angles of a decision allows us to see all the trees, if you will, from the birds’ eye view. Considering all the angles together can bring a new level of wisdom and insight to the topic that may not be available otherwise.
Typical parts: Typical parts of everyone that sometimes show up in response to stress are three younger parts (attach, submit, and freeze) and two older and protective parts (fight and flight). Attach is looking for a rescuer outside of the individual self, submit is ready to abandon all values and do whatever is needed in order to avoid further discomfort, and freeze holds still, trying to blend in and stay under the radar until the danger is over. As for the protectors, fight creates distance between the younger parts and all threats to their well being through all forms of aggression, and flight escapes the stress by checking out mentally, taking substances, or any other form of distraction. Feel free to consider directions you notice yourself being pulled and pick which of the five parts might be showing up for your specific situation. It might help to objectify each one by giving them a color, shape, texture, temperature, and location in vicinity to you.
Motive: Focus on one part at a time through these next four points. For each part you think might be at play with your specific symptoms, try assuming it is showing up for your good somehow. Ask the part what it's specifically trying to do for you by showing up right here and right now, listen for the answer, and record it. Ex: Fight might be advocating for agency, Flight might be advocating for you to conserve your energy, attach might be advocating for you to connect with others, submit might be advocating for you to make the uncomfortable thing stop, and freeze might be advocating for you to hide or disguise.
Thank and offer respite: Make sure you thank each part for what it is genuinely trying to do directly on your behalf and make sure the part receives that message. Unless your situation is a life or death situation, the chances are that each part may be working a little too frequently and or too intensely for a functional result. In that case, try to name the specific ways that part may be backfiring in the here and now situation. Again, thank the part for the passion it has for your good and invite it to go on vacation wherever it wants to go for as long as it wants to go. Let it tell you all about the senses it will discover in this refreshing spot.
Need: Once the part is calm and relaxed, the logic part of your here and now brain is more likely to come on line, which means you’re able to step into and embody more fully your here and now adult self (the bird’s eye view), if you will. With your here and now resource self, revisit the motive the part was concerned about and ask yourself what that part would most need in this here and now situation for a more functional pursuit of their motive. Ex: Attach might need some connection from the here and now self, submit might need assurance of worthiness to stand up for its values and to experience acceptance even when boundaries are set, freeze might need the opportunity to move around freely and still be safe, flight might need to trust that staying will help the discomfort go away for good, and fight might need to trust there is a way to provide protection other than aggression, such as through the art of assertion.
Resource: Once you have a general answer of what is needed, ask the part what you, as your here and now self, can specifically do to help that part know that it is safe right here right now. Once it answers, offer the gesture and notice the shift, both in you and within the part and know that you, your here and now self, made the difference.
Once all parts involved have been through the last four steps, consider the situation again in light of all concerns and invite curiosity into the choices that are within your control that will respect all concerns as well as allow forward moving function. Make your choice and then, sit back and fully enjoy your peaceful resolution.
To wrap up, feeling several different ways about a single decision can be confusing, nerve wracking, and discouraging. However, the above tips have hopefully convinced you to accept and perhaps lean into each position in pursuit of deeper insights that none of the positions could produce on their own. Who knows, you might even gain some self acceptance, compassion, and boosted confidence while you're at it.