Trouble-shooting missed engagements:
No matter how much we set ourselves up for success with a proactive background and geneiously planted reminders, there will be times when we totally blow it and drop the very ball we had every intention of carrying over the finish line. It happens to the best of us, and we, as ADHDers are,by definition, are especially prone to and perhaps our own worst critics when the faux pas appear. So, how do we keep the inevitable mistakes from getting us down or from keeping up the good fight on setting ourselves up for success, much less leverage those mistakes for even more improvement? Read on to find out!
5 Tips on Trouble-shooting missed engagements:
Self-compassion: Return to the intention of accepting your own self as a whole person, independent of actions and independent of current successes or setbacks. Know that you as a person have value that has absolutely nothing to do with the outcome of whatever you’re trying to do. Know, also, that you were doing the best you knew how to do with what you had and knew at the time. Sit with these truths until you ground into them before moving forward.
Name the mis-step: List the priority and action that was missed as well as any appropriate action that may be needed to take responsibility for the direct result of the missed engagement, such as an apology or physically cleaning up a mess.
Locate the break in the line: What most likely attributed to the miscommunication? Was it listed on your original mapping-out schedule? Was it a missed reminder? If so, was the mode, place, timing, or a combination between these options misjudged?
What needs adjustment? Given the answer to the last prompt, what specific changes to the original planning time, mode, place, or timing might be a better fit? Note a check-in with this specific issue on your agenda for your next weekly planning time.
What’s your plan of action? Given your answer for the last question, write out your specific plan of action for better communication about this specific message to your future self. List a review of how well the second attempt went on your planning time agenda for the following planning time. This will give you a chance to improve even more, if needed. Know that whether your amended plan succeeds or blunders, you are getting closer to a more effective plan at least by the process of elimination.
To wrap up, well intended but missed engagements can involve a lot of heartache, especially for us highly self-critical ADHDers. However, the above tips have hopefully improved your outlook not only sidestepping the freeze-and-quit response but also on leveraging the experience to improve your compassion for your current self and deepen your knowledge and functional communication with your current self.