ARCHIVES: Oldies but Goodies!
Ask for what you need
Last time, we considered how HSPs can shift from overwhelm to clarity using their own resources. But, what if resources within ourselves aren’t quite adequate for getting back in the zone? How do we get the courage, much less tactful words for voicing our request so others openly consider our needs?
Six tips for recruiting help when returning to the zone.
Remember your needs are valid:
Remind yourself that the difference between your current level of stimulation and the level you need in order to focus is NOT a deficit but an unchangeable physical characteristic in your nervous system that deserves as much validation and respect as anyone else’s physical characteristics.
Remind yourself that you’ve tried everything within your own ability to help you get back in your own zone. But, unfortunately, it didn’t happen to be enough to actually get you there, which makes your need for others’ help valid and worth asking for.
Define the needed shift
After you have tried all you can think of within your own resources to meet your need, what further action is needed?
Ex: You tried putting on a jacket, but the draft from the window is still distractingly cold, so you would love for the window to shut.
Ex: You tried prepping in quiet before the meeting, but didn’t know about the unexpected topics. You tried writing down ideas as they came during the meeting, but voices have been distracting. You need quiet and time in order to think.
Define who the shift would affect and/or who could help.
Then, identify who may be affected by the action in mind or may have the needed resources.
Ex: Others in the room who will be subject to the changed temperature and especially the person who originally opened the window. Also, the person closest to the window would have the most access to close it.
Ex: Others who are randomly speaking their ideas out loud. Also, the leader of the meeting would have the most pull in allowing more time and space.
Consider others’ motives for resisting your request.
If the person were to resist meeting the need, what would possibly be their motivation in doing so?
Ex: Perhaps the person that opened the window was hot and needed to cool down and shutting it would only make them hot again.
Ex: Perhaps there is a very tight deadline in which a project needs to get done.
Brainstorm solutions to each motivation:
What adjustments can you make to your original wishes to accommodate these concerns?
Ex: suggest only partially closing the window,
Ex: request five minutes for each person to write down all their ideas and pick their best answer to share after the five minutes.
Put your thoughts together in a respectful request:
State how the issue is affecting you and what you’ve done yourself to address the need as well as that you're still not able to think. State your understanding that they may have a specific resistance to shifting, followed by your suggestion of a solution to both yours and the other person’s concerns.
Ex: The open window is making me chilly and I can’t concentrate on contributing the best I can. I’ve tried putting on a jacket but I’m still too cold to think. I know some of you may have been hot and that closing it all the way might make you too warm. Could we please close the window but only part of the way?
Ex: Everyone talking at once is making it hard for me to think. I’ve tried writing my ideas as I think of them, but I still need more time. I understand you need to get ideas flowing quickly. Could we please take the next ten or twenty minutes jotting down ideas on our own and then we share our best two after that?
To wrap up, sometimes, as HSPs, our sensory needs for returning to the zone are beyond our own resources, especially when we’re in a group setting. However, it doesn’t change how valid the need is. The above tips help us gain the courage, creativity, and consideration to successfully recruit truly needed help for our return to the zone.
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HSP: Meeting your own need to think clearly
Sometimes, as HSPs we have a hard time thinking, especially when we’re in a group. We’re so flooded with stimulation that we feel stuck in a spectator role. Like we’re watching the whole experience on television and couldn’t contribute to the conversation even if we wanted to. We often feel we have no other choice but to endure the experience while our eyes glaze over, knowing we must seem like dummies with no opinion on a thing. Is there any way out of this completely arresting feeling? How do we return to baseline, connect the circuits, and contribute as best we can?
Four tips for shifting from overwhelm to clarity
Accept, Validate, and Respect the Overwhelm
Each of us has a different level of stimulation that helps us think most clearly. Typically, non-HSPs function well and hardly notice increased volume, intense tone of voice, or the added chaos of several different people talking at once. However, HSPs not only notice these, but are no longer able to think clearly because of the difference.
This is not a deficit but a physical difference in the nervous system between HSPs’ and non HSPs There is nothing that can change the physical make-up of either group. The most important thing for an overwhelmed HSP is to notice and validate their own need for less stimulation and considerate it ver much present and worthy of respect. Then, perhaps to remove themselves to a more quiet place to address the next points.
Locate the overwhelm:
Ask yourself what around you changed since the overwhelm has taken place. A good place to start is noting each of your senses and any shift that has recently taken place
Ex: hearing, tactile, smell, sight, and taste.
Maybe the drone of a mower outside is grating on your nerves, someone opened a window letting in a chilling breeze, someone just applied a potent lotion, someone just sat in front of the window, blocking your view of the outdoors, or you weren’t expecting your water to be carbonated.
Maybe others are just moving too fast in the conversation and offering ideas before you have time to explore your own thoughts and feelings about the subject.
Name the clarifying shift:
Once you know the specific distraction, what needs to happen so that you can return to baseline and think clearly?
I.E. less noise, warmer temperature, eliminate the odor, have a view of the outdoors, water without bubbles. Or time to think for yourself before listening to others’ suggestions.
What within your own means can be done to address the shift?
What specific action is needed to address the shift?
Ex: moving farther away from distracting smells or noise, putting on a jacket, or replacing your own glass of water.
Follow through with your plan. Notice any shift in your comfort and bask in any improvement of focus.
To wrap up, the glazed over sensation could have many different causes. However, these issues deserve as much attention as any other issue . The above steps walk you through realizing the power of validating,locating, and addressing your own needs, returning you to your optimal level of stimulation where you can actively contributing to the best of your ability. Stay tuned for next time on asking for what you need so you can return to baseline.
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HSPs: The yin to nonHSPs’ yang
Once we’ve done the important work of grounding in our strengths as Highly Sensitive People, should we all just stay huddled together in defense against the non-hsps? If not, how do we stand strong in this newly found identity while peacefully and functionally interacting with nonHSPs?
Complimentary nervous systems: The two halves that make a whole
NonHSPs- The Warrior Kings: Non HSPs have a nervous system that can function well with normal levels of volume, chaos, and perceived risk. This helps them jump into new situations with full force, getting things done as quickly as possible. But, they often lack wisdom on how to leverage their energy to make the most difference in the overall picture.
HSPs: The wise Priests- Their nervous system functions better away from the action, which allows them to carefully weigh all angles of a situation before contributing to the picture. But, when they do contribute, the contribution is full of value and wisdom. In other words, they know exactly how to leverage the available resources to get the most effect in the least amount of time.
The joint effort: Wisdom Relayed to the Warrior:
There is little the wise priests can actually accomplish all by themselves even though they know the most effective and efficient plan of execution. This is where the warrior kings are of absolute importance.
For both sides of the operation to land effectively, each group needs to value, trust, listen to, and clearly communicate with the other so that the wisdom is imparted to the warriors who can quickly carry out the mission. Each group is clearly at a loss without the other. They can only meet their highest potential by accepting and honestly contributing to each other.
To wrap up, once HSPs are firmly grounded in their strengths, the next step to reaching their full potential is with non-HSPs who have different but equally valuable skills. In this way, the two groups can accomplish together what neither group can accomplish on their own. Therefore, neither group is better or less than the other, but the interaction between the two enhances the performance of everyone.
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HSP superpowers
While the HSP traits have potential drawbacks, such as being misunderstood as shy or inadequate when choosing to check out a situation before jumping in, and having intense emotional responses to things others are able to easily shrug off, there is so much potential for these same characteristics to be great strengths.
5 superpowers HSPs naturally possess
> Notice: Your strong emotional intensity can act as a natural motivator for positive change. The emotional intensity includes both uncomfortable and comfortable emotions. The high intensity of comfortable emotions not only produce extra enjoyment compared to non-HSPs, but they directly inform you of your interests and preferences, giving you hints to a rewarding future direction. Also, the intense uncomfortable emotions serve as an extra bright and loud warning sign, saying, “check under the hood”. This helps HSPs detect and successfully address problems perhaps even before non HSPs suspect anything is wrong.
>Resilience: HSPs are just as responsive to positive support as they are to dysfunctional and negative feedback, making them extra resilient when supported by teachers, therapists, and coaches.
>Forethought: HSPs attention to detail and ability to imagine potential outcomes for each possible choice in a situation makes them extra educated guessers and often consistently informed decision makers. This usually works to their advantage in the long run.
> Empathy: HSPs’ height in intensity of emotion also helps them attune to others’ social cues, emotional expression, and tone of voice. It also helps them view situations from others’ perspectives and show support when others need it.
>Sustainability: When HSPs’ intuition is applied to their own energetic reactions to different situations, they are masters at noticing specifics of their surroundings that usually give them the
most energetic boost. They’re also masters at setting up their personal routine based on these insights so that positive energy is automatically built into their day. This helps them provide quality contributions on a consistent basis.
To wrap up, after reviewing, trusting, and owning these superpowers, HSPs can create ways to functionally use their unique energy and have the courage to speak about insights they notice, which helps all others involved. Stay tuned for next time on the possible compatibility between HSPs and nonHSPs.
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What’s HSP?
Have you heard people using the word empath to describe themselves recently? What does that really mean? Is it really legit, or is it just some buzz word people are using as an excuse for finding themselves in the middle of others’ drama? If it is legit, how do you know if you might be one? What does it say about your worth if you are one?
The 4 Main indicators of what is formally called Highly Sensitive Person (from Elaine E. Aron, PHD)
Think… DOES
D for Deep Processing: You process things more deeply, looking for patterns, similarities, and meaning on several different levels of whatever you’re taking in.
O for Easily Overwhelmed: if you notice everything, once whatever you’re taking in increases in intensity, complexity, or newness, you’re more likely to get saturated or flooded with information to the point of no longer functionally processing what you are taking in
E for Empathy: You feel others’ emotions more intensely and struggle to recognize who (you or them) is responsible for what.
S for Subtleties: You are more aware of small differences than others: your brain processes and reflects
on information more deeply than others.
The probable social misconception:
The result is that you are often more misunderstood by others. Because you may prefer to look before entering new situations, you may have mistakenly been labeled “shy”, “Inhibited”, “Fearful”, or even less intelligent than others.
The reality:
If you identify with these indicators and have felt misunderstood as a result, know that you are not alone and you are not a social enigma. There is absolutely not a thing wrong with your brain. In fact, you have a wonderful gift of insight and depth that you’re able to offer your world.
However, the first step of helping others is to nurture yourself. For us HSP’s, the payoff for having a wonderful insight is that our nervous systems need a lot of tender love and care. Lots of time to yourself for reflecting and finding meaning from your experience in the world is a great place to start.
To wrap up, the indicators of an HSP are counter to our western culture where time is money and productivity is everything. Being surrounded by others with this frame of mind can leave and HSP feeling alone and damaged. But, an HSP nervous system is physically set at a more intense volume, possibly to physically demand that they take space away from the center of things so they can see and make connections that nonHSPs may not be privy to.
Therefore, there is no changing how HSP’s are physically put together and there is a valuable treasure within them that is waiting to reveal itself. All that needs to be done to leverage this treasure is learn how to work with rather than against the nervous system they have been given. Stay tuned for next time on super powers of the HSP.
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Daily Practice Continued: Specific benefits for Others
Last time, we discussed how a daily self check-in practice can increase your quality of life. Not only are the first hand benefits amazing, but it actually ends up helping others too.
Below are six ways you give to others, thanks to a consistent self-check in practice
A heads up: Letting others know your true strengths, makes them aware of how to access those gifts in case they have a specific need for what you have to offer.
A chance at pure fun: By letting others know your true self and your true interests, you’re offering the people who will naturally click with you the joy of doing one of their truly favored activities in the company of someone they truly enjoy.
Sustainability: Getting your primary needs met for yourself gives you the energy to deliver quality strengths and utilize your insight of where to put the limits so you can refill when you need to. This way, others have access to a seemingly continuous stream of resources from you.
Being Seen: Once you’re secure within yourself and connected with others who accept you for who you truly are, it frees up space and effort to nonjudgmentally and more accurately observe others, offering them the gift of being truly seen and validated.
Spot on Care: Once you accurately see someone for who they are, you are more informed about what they truly need and the resources that would be most relevent for them, offering these either from what you have to offer or from another source.
Unconditional Support: Once you’re able to observe others for their sake, you’re also able to respect whatever choice they make as far as accepting, declining, or suggesting another offer.
In conclusion, self check-ins, quite frankly, take time and effort that you could already be devoting to others. However, the above benefits spell out how regular self check-ins actually increase sustainability, accuracy, and quality of your gifts by prioritizing and nurturing your own true self first.
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Daily Practice Continued: Social Benefits
My last blog discussed the importance of regularly checking in with and meeting your own emotional needs, putting the decision of your core self-worth in your own hands. But, what difference could this potentially make on your social interactions?
Below are six social benefits of consistently checking in with yourself
Relief: Once we consistently show others our true selves, we no longer have to spend time and energy crafting some made up part of ourselves in order to please. This leaves space to quite honestly relax into and possibly spread out into the part of our true selves we didn’t even know was there before.
Deepened true self. By communicating and embodying our true selves, our sense of that true self becomes even stronger and more refined, adding details we might not have even noticed before.
Go with the flow: When we are at home and comfortable enough with ourselves, we don’t have to worry about the sting of rejection so much. We know that we have all the support and nurturance we need within ourselves, no matter who does or doesn’t choose to spend time with us. This helps us find joy in whatever moment pops up in our lives, whether you’re with others or yourself.
Joy in Rejection: Each one of us will repel others at some point because no one person can please everyone they meet. However, if you are being your truest self, you will repel others for the right reasons. If someone is repelled by who you truly are, how much would you have genuinely benefitted from their company anyway? It also leaves space for those you will attract.
True connection: Just as each of us will repel some people, each of us will also attract others too. We are all gifted with unique strengths and weaknesses. If we are living from our truest self, our strengths will attract the exact people we are most likely to truly connect with. How cool is it to know that your true self is not only accepted but sought after by others? Imagine the pure joy of knowing that. It wouldn’t even be possible unless you take the risk of loss by committing to the journey of self-discovery.
Pure fun: By embracing your truest self, you get the joy of engaging with both activities and people that you genuinely and intensely love at the same time!!
In conclusion, embodying and communicating your true self means you run the risk of losing your current unpredictable but comfortable emotional support. But, the above benefits spell out its eventual but guaranteed ideal freedom and joy in yourself, others, and your lifestyle in general.
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Self- Care Practice for the anxiously attached adult
Each of us is born with needs we are not yet able to meet for ourselves. Some of us are lucky enough for these needs to be met well enough and often enough, so that we trust outside sources for appropriate support when we need it.
For some of us, our need for validation as a human being has always been nurtured on an irregular basis with no particular pattern so we have no way of knowing what to expect next. This particular pattern of interaction might be the toughest to experience because we receive the initial joy of validation so that when the need goes unmet, we know exactly what we are missing. We also are void of a single moment in time that we can rest assured we won’t face this grief in the near future.
This sometimes leads to relying so much on our outside world for validation that we end up sacrificing core parts of who we are in exchange for acceptance and momentary relational connection. Is there any way to break this pattern and know for sure who we are apart from others or to be able to rely on a steady source of acceptance without sacrificing our core values?
If you regularly feel yourself relying heavily on others’ interactions with you for your sense of emotional security or your self-worth, here is a practice you can do daily to put the verdict of your self-worth in your own hands, where it belongs. It may just bring you home, to your own self, perhaps for the first time.
Daily practice for strengthening self-worth and trustworthy validation
Imagine a boundary between you and everything else- You are in the middle of a circle between your physical body and everything else. The circle is your boundary between your true self and all that is not your true self. Decide how strong the boundary would be (plastic, screen, chain link, wood, metal, steal…). Decide how much space would be between you and the boundary (one inch, a football field, six feet). Decide how high it would go (six feet or one hundred miles). Close your eyes and imagine what you would see, hear, feel, taste, or smell that would be most supportive to you within this boundary. Stay here and let all else drift away.
Do a body Scan- Pay attention to each part of your body starting with your head and working all the way down your body, noticing any sensations that stand out to you. Ask the sensations what they are trying to tell you. Soak in the pleasant sensations and notice any needs that arise. Ask the needs what specific action that is within your control would best meet them, even if it is simply offering self-compassion. Commit to following through with at least one of these actions.
Notice the relief - Once the particular action is completed, pause and notice any shift in your body. Pay particular attention to any relief or increase in comfort. Soak in that nurturance and bask in the mastery of meeting the need, no matter how small.
Make it a habit- Commit this practice to a regular weekly or daily occurrence. Notice any patterns of sensations, emotions, or thoughts. Also, notice and take solace that this is the one place you have one hundred percent control over consistent nurturance. Take the time to appreciate the nurturance, relaxing into the one place you can consistently both genuinely contribute and receive what is truly needed.
In conclusion, no matter how we’ve been treated in the past or how this has affected our self-worth, we always have a choice to start noticing and meeting our own needs as best we can, leaving us free to interact with others as our truest selves.
Please let me know your thoughts. The link below will take you to the blog where you may leave me a comment at the bottom of the page.
https://www.flowingfountainlpcs.com/blog/self-care-practice-for-the-anxiously-attached-adult
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First quarter resolution check in 3: where the rubber meets the road
So, now that our emotions and thoughts are in functional sync for our 1rst quarter resolution check in, what does the process look like step by step? Now that we’ve dipped our toe and perhaps a whole foot into the actual swing of things in 2022, how do we keep that nonjudgmental framework and a fairly level head on our shoulders as we update the match between initial intentions and current reality, all the while ensuring improvement and growth?
3 Gentle steps toward a Truer and more Functional Future
Check the purpose: Given your current here and now, complete with both expected and unexpected circumstances 2022 has actually provided you, consider the purpose you were trying to achieve through this goal. For example, if your goal was to lose 10 pounds, your purpose might have been to get in shape or feel more comfortable within your own skin. Write this down if you haven’t done that already.
Is the original purpose still important to you in this season of life or can it be set aside for later? If you decide it is not important, is there a brand new purpose that needs to replace it? If the original purpose is still important to you, does this goal have the potential to fill that purpose in the most effective way? If not, what other goal would meet the purpose better?
Check the goal: With all that 2022 has brought into your life so far, surprises and all, is this goal still important? Also, is the intensity of the goal still appropriate? In other words, do you still have the resources such as time, energy, money, or social support needed to achieve the level of intensity you were hoping for? If not, how much and in which direction should it move? How does your daily routine need to shift in order to accommodate that change? Write as many details as possible.
Check the circumstances: If the purpose and the goal are still spot on, in light of all the surprises in your life so far, but you still are not seeing the progress you were hoping for, ask yourself what would need to change in order for the progress to happen? What resources, such as time, money, environment, energy, or social support, would you need in order to make this change? What is your specific plan, including shifts in daily or weekly routines, for gathering the resources and following through?
In conclusion, goal check ins can offer several opportunities for giving up and being utterly confused. But, these steps above can be a gentle, effective, and supportive way to confidently move forward toward your true and functional future.
Please let me know your thoughts. The link below will take you to the blog where you may leave me a comment at the bottom of the page.
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1st quarter resolution check in 2: Empowered mind-set
Last time, we addressed the emotions involved in approaching your first goal check in for the year. Now that we’ve got those managed and primed, it's time to gear our thoughts toward the same productive place. Sometimes our emotions can seem well managed, but a disturbing thought like, “I’m so undisciplined”, can enter our minds, plummeting our emotions along with even more negative thoughts, and before we know it, our bodies have lost all sense of comfort and take the form of a curled up fetus on the floor. How do we keep our thoughts from ruining our sometimes flippant emotions, much less help them support each other toward success?
Below are tips on how we can strengthen those thoughts to serve as mighty guardrails, not only avoiding collision with emotions, but keeping them on track toward true growth and steady success.
Choices of observance: First, when approaching the originally written goals, know that you have choices in this exploration. Consider the setting you choose to look at them in, such as outdoor or indoor, alone or with others, the sights, sounds, smells, tastes you would like to surround yourself with.
You could also choose the order of goals to examine. You might choose to look at the less daunting goal first and work your way up from there, or you might want to get the worst one out over with the fastest.
Another choice could be the pace you want to take. Maybe consider one goal per day or one a week over a set amount of time. Maybe you spread them out each on a different page of paper so you have plenty of room to journal about each one.
The Real Purpose: As you approach the written original goals, Know that no matter what kind of progress you observe about each goal, the purpose of the process is ultimately for you to be aware of your current needs and the most accurate way to meet them.
The meaning of mistakes: If you do observe less progress on a goal than you would have liked, consider missing the mark as essential to and perhaps even more important to the growing process than success at meeting goals. Are you really improving or learning at all if you always meet the goal? Missing the mark gives you the opportunity for noticing what is out of place and thinking of a way to adjust in order to improve the outcome. Mistakes actually invite you to engage even deeper with yourself and with the task at hand.
So, to wrap up, anticipating goal check ins can tempt us to predict the worst possible outcomes and can offer infinite opportunities for self-loathing. But, the reminders of our choices, purpose, and magic of missing the mark can be an empowering reframe for revisiting new year’s resolutions. Stay tuned for next week’s blog on the specifics of adjusting each goal to fit your actual 2022 circumstances and to increase the likelihood of success.
Please let me know your thoughts. The link below will take you to the blog where you may leave me a comment at the bottom of the page.
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First Quarterly resolution check-in: Positive imagery preparation
Now that we’re almost through the first quarter of 2022, what if our first check in on those new year resolutions doesn’t show the progress we were hoping for? Does that mean this year is already doomed to failure? That we should just throw in the towel and go back to eating bon bon’s on the couch in our sweats during our down time? Is there any hope from that point forward? How do we manage the angst that often dominates as the dreaded moment of check in approaches?
Below are five tips for finding our center as the goal check in process begins.
Invite the critical voice- If that critical voice in your head had a color, shape, texture, temperature, place in your body, and a name; what would each of those be? Write it down, draw it, imagine it.
Once you have a clear picture of this persona, ask it what it hopes to do for you by shedding light only on the negative. Trust that its ultimate intention is for your good. The intention is often to protect you from some kind of disappointment. Let it be as specific as possible.
Thank the critical voice- Take the clear answer of how this part of you is trying to help you and honestly thank it for this intention. Let it know that you genuinely understand the good it is trying to do and that you are grateful for it..
Offer it a vacation - Ask the voice if it could take a vacation anywhere it wanted to, where would that be? Get it to describe the sights, sounds, textures, and smells that would saturate its senses in this place. Offer it the chance to stay in this place for the duration of the goal check in, totally relaxed and in the lap of its chosen luxury.
Invite the non judging observer- If the non judging observer in your head (if you are convinced this voice is nonexistent, feel free to pretend it exists just for this task) had a color, shape, texture, temperature, place in your body, and a name; what would each of those be? Write it down, draw it, imagine it.
Expanding the non judging observer- Once you have a clear picture of this persona, ask it what, that is within your control, would need to happen in order for it to expand in size, intensity, and or volume. This might be making sure you are in a quiet and undisturbed place, surrounding yourself with comforting textures, temperatures, smells, uplifting sights, and plenty of space to spread out into. Meet this request and imagine this part of you expanding in the way that it wishes. Notice any shift in energy compared to before you took these steps and bask in any relief you notice.
In conclusion, anticipating goal check ins can be nerve wracking and intimidating. However the positive imagery above can serve as a validating, disarming, and refreshing, return to center as you approach revisiting initial intentions. Stay tuned next week for cultivating empowerment for goal check ins.
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Practical Boundaries 3: Accurately Adjusting Course
Last time, we considered noticing and making sense of boundaries that previously seemed invisible. But once we are aware of the issue, how do we go about adjusting our environment to better fit our needs?
Below are two tips on effectively applying your boundary insight toward a more functional future.
What would you prefer instead?
Explore reasonable and comfortable limits of the boundary that would take into consideration the other party’s motive for needing something but still allow you the time and space you need to provide sustainable quality service. For example, you may need 24 to 48 hours or even a week's notice before any specific deadline.
Put together an I statement
Construct an assertive I statement, consisting of a specific action, a resulting feeling or conflicting consequence that happens as a result, and a request for a future expectation to be met. For example, When you set a deadline that is due in less than 48 hours, I feel stressed, angry, and robbed of family time I was counting on. I would like all future deadlines to be announced at least a week in advance so that I can plan accordingly.
In conclusion, managing effective and consistent boundaries involves a lot of energy including noticing, making sense of, and communicating proposed boundaries. However, embedding supportive values into your schedule and taking yourself and the other party into consideration when addressing boundaries can help this process go as smoothly as possible while simultaneously reserving your energy and time for what matters most to you.
Please let me know your thoughts. The link below will take you to the blog where you may leave me a comment at the bottom of the page.
https://www.flowingfountainlpcs.com/blog/practical-boundaries-3-accurately-adjusting-course
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Putting the Boundaries in Place 2: Notice when your buttons are pushed
My last blog talked about setting up your schedule to prioritize values that feed your soul the most. But, what about when you notice outside forces crossing boundaries you didn’t even know you had? How do we recognize and pin point them when they have always seemed invisible and it’s hard to tell if the problem is us or our environment?
Below are 3 tips for noticing and naming previously invisible boundaries
Notice when your buttons are pushed
Write down the typical physical symptoms you experience when you’re irritated by something or someone you see as a threat to your personal autonomy, choice, or boundary. This may include a racing heart, butterflies in your stomach, or clenched fists or jaws among other symptoms.
Track the situations that push your buttons
Take notice or even keep a log throughout a whole week or two of the specific situational conflicts associated with these bodily signals. At the very least, write down the time, day, and what happened before and after the physical symptoms. At the end of the allotted time period, look back over your notes, looking for one or two recurring themes as to specific boundaries that are particularly bothersome when they are being crossed. For example, you might notice a theme of your superiors making surprise deadlines for projects on short notice, forcing you to work hours you were not planning on working. Write these themes down.
Note the consequences
For each theme, explore the emotions and subsequent consequences you experience as a result of the situation and write these down. For example, the surprise deadlines might result in anger, worry, or self-doubt because you are forced to choose between success at work and spending time with your family, which you were counting on as a supportive source.
In conclusion, noting your symptoms and taking the time to make sense of them can be a significant investment of time and energy. However, the fruits of knowing exactly where the stress is coming from can be both validating and can plow and fertilize ground for insight and accuracy when looking for a solution.
Please let me know your thoughts. The link below will take you to the blog where you may leave me a comment at the bottom of the page.
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Putting the Boundaries in Place: setting the stage
My last blog talked about a supportive boundary-setting mindset, which can be used before, during, and following interactions with threats to our boundaries. But, what are the steps to actually putting the boundaries in place and being consistent with them? How do we reserve time and space for what fills us up in a way that we can overflow with help in our most natural and sustaining way?
Below are two important steps that set the stage for clear and consistent boundaries.
Prioritize your values
Start with the values you chose to surround yourself with on the inside of your imaginary boundary from the last blog. What do you value that might give you the very kind of energy that your typical stressors seem to suck out of you? What gives you that value in the way that is most supportive for you? They may be things/activities/spirits/people.
Embed them in your schedule
Name a time in your day that you would be most receptive to this type of energy and block off a chunk of time in your planner each day or week that is dedicated to engaging in that specific source of energy. This way, the energy is automatically built into your schedule and is prioritized as part of your regular rhythm over anything else that may conflict with this time.
Guarding the time block when it's threatened
If distracting activities or others attempt to invade this time slot, inform them you simply are not available during that time slot and offer them a choice of two other available times that are open in your schedule.
In conclusion, setting the stage for honoring your values can save a lot of time and effort toward frequent, on the spot, and potentially tough decisions. It can also let you rest assured your time and energy is automatically reserved for what matters most to you.
Please let me know your thoughts. The link below will take you to the blog where you may leave me a comment at the bottom of the page.
https://www.flowingfountainlpcs.com/blog/putting-the-boundaries-in-place-setting-the-stage
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Fear: Danger or Opportunity?
Fear is the most prominent emotion following trauma. It is the sensation of butterflies in your stomach, a racing heart, the profuse sweating all over your body, and the tingling all over. Most people want to get away from whatever is causing this sensation as soon as possible. But, what if fear was a signal, pointing in a positive direction that you might not have thought of before? How do you tell if it’s really a danger or an opportunity that might help you grow subtly past the unfortunate event?
I have a trick below to help decipher within your own body between true danger or a subtle opportunity.
Find a quiet and comforting place for this activity:
Pick a place within your environment you feel most at home. It may be your home living room or bedroom or a place in nature. Surround yourself with all the comforts of that spot. This might be comforting smells, soft blankets, cushy seating, or taking time to admire the colors and fresh air around you. Feel free to come back to these very sensations at any time during this exercise when needed. Know that you are safe and secure in the here and now.
Name the source of the fear:
At your own pace, think of the situation that is resulting in fear for you. Jot this down on a piece of paper. Spend time with the question what exactly about the situation is contributing most to your fear. This could possibly be a smell, sight, touch, inner sensation, anything. If no answer comes to mind, don’t worry, but if an answer comes, write that down. Set the paper aside.
Imagine the image of this idea:
Close your eyes or look at a spot on the ground in front of you and in your mind’s eye, picture the situation as a whole. This may be a symbol that represents the situation or a full picture of the situation as you see it. Feel free to pretend you have a remote control with a shrink button, color changer, and or distancer to manipulate the picture at any time the image becomes too overwhelming.
When you have the picture at a suitable presentation, allow the image to continue as you sit with it and take three deep breaths. Notice your body’s response as the image becomes clearer following the three breaths. Constriction, space? A little of both?
What do you notice?
Write down what you notice. If the overall sensation is constriction, is there a part of the image that produces some space at all? If so, what part? If the sensation of space is more present, consider the chance of this being more of an opportunity to grow rather than totally avoid. If there is more sensation of space, are there some parts of the situation that cause more constriction than others? If so, would it be possible to omit or decrease those parts while still engaging in the opportunity?
Write down a plan of action:
Once you decide on the answers above, write out a plan of which part, if any, you would be open to experiencing. Would it be possible to engage in the opportunity from a distance such as researching the activity in a factual manner, hearing positive stories about the activity, attend the opportunity with a trusted friend, or by video? You get to choose.
In conclusion, after trying the above steps, revisit the vision of the situation in its entirety and notice any shift in attitude toward the thought. Bask in any increase in relaxation and take confidence that your body has bestowed its wisdom appropriately, no matter what plan of action you constructed in the end.
Please let me know your thoughts. The link below will take you to the blog where you may leave me a comment at the bottom of the page.
https://www.flowingfountainlpcs.com/blog/fear-danger-or-opportunity
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Putting the Boundaries in Place
My last blog discussed the process of producing a supportive boundary-setting mindset, which can be used before, during, and following interactions with threats to our boundaries. But, what are the steps to actually putting the boundaries in place and being consistent with this? How do we reserve time and space for what fills us up in a way that we can overflow with help in our most natural and sustaining way?
Prioritize your values
Start with the values you chose to surround yourself with on the inside of your imaginary boundary from the last blog. What do you value that might give you the very kind of energy that your typical stressors seem to suck out of you? What gives you that value in the way that is most supportive for you? They may be things/activities/spirits/people.
Embed them in your schedule
Name a time in your day that you would be most receptive to this type of energy and block off a chunk of time in your planner each day or week that is dedicated to engaging in that specific source of energy. This way, the energy is automatically built into your schedule and is prioritized as part of your regular rhythm over anything else that may conflict with this time.
Notice when your buttons are pushed
Write down the typical physical symptoms you experience when you become irritated by something or someone you perceive as a threat to your personal autonomy, choice, or boundary. This may include a racing heart, butterflies in your stomach, or clenched fists or jaws among other symptoms.
Track the situations pushing your buttons
Take notice or even keep a log throughout a whole week or two of the specific situational conflicts associated with these bodily signals. At the end of the allotted time period, look back over your notes, looking for one or two recurring themes as to specific boundaries that are particularly bothersome when they are being crossed. For example, you might notice a theme of your superiors making surprise deadlines for projects on short notice, forcing you to work hours you were not planning on working. Write these themes down.
Note the consequences
For each theme, explore the emotions and subsequent consequences you experience as a result of the situation and write these down. For example, the surprise deadlines might result in anger, worry, or self-doubt because you are forced to choose between success at work and spending time with your family, which you were counting on as a supportive source.
What would you prefer instead?
Explore reasonable and comfortable limits of the boundary that would take into consideration the other party’s motive for needing something but still allow you the time and space you need to provide sustainable quality service. For example, you may need 24 to 48 hours or even a week's notice before any specific deadline.
Put together an I statement
Construct an assertive I statement, consisting of a specific action, a resulting feeling or conflicting consequence that happens as a result, and a request for a future expectation to be met. For example, When you set a deadline that is due in less than 48 hours, I feel stressed, angry, and robbed of family time I was counting on. I would like all future deadlines to be announced at least a week in advance so that I can plan accordingly.
In conclusion, managing effective and consistent boundaries involves a lot of energy including noticing, making sense of, and communicating proposed boundaries. However, embedding supportive values into your schedule and taking yourself and the other party into consideration when addressing boundaries can help this process go as smoothly as possible while simultaneously reserving your energy and time for what matters most to you.
Please let me know your thoughts. The link below will take you to the blog where you may leave me a comment at the bottom of the page.
https://www.flowingfountainlpcs.com/blog/putting-the-boundaries-in-place
Feel free to sign up for my newsletter by clicking the link below. https://www.flowingfountainlpcs.com/news-letter
Click the link to see all my blogs > https://www.flowingfountainlpcs.com/blog
Please checkout my latest YouTube on other great topics at the link below.
Creating a Boundary Mindset
Do you ever find yourself in a situation where someone is encroaching upon your space? This could be physical personal space, mental space, meaning when you can’t get them out of your head, or your personal time by asking you to spend it in ways that benefit them often at your expense.
Did you ever feel like these actions were taking away your freedom and choice? That by as little as entertaining the idea of submitting to these requests to please others, you might actually be losing your own sense of yourself?
But, how do we put the breaks on the pleasing cycle that has kept us in good graces for so long without feeling utterly guilty?
Below is an amazing technique I learned from Dr. Jonice Webb that will help you gain insight, perspective, and courage for setting boundaries.
Imagine the source of stress you need space from: This may be any person, task, or activity that seems to be taking up all or most of your energy so you have almost nothing left for anything else.
Imagine the boundary:
You are in the middle of a circle, and this circle is your buffer between you and the stress. You get to decide what this boundary is made of. It could be as flimsy as a paper towel, as sturdy as cement, or it could be made of anything in between like wood, plaster, or brick.
Then, decide how far away from you it is. It might be only inches in front of your face, a football field away, or several countries away.
Finally, decide how tall it is. It could be as tiny as an ant, as tall as the sky, or anywhere between.
Imagine the inside of the boundary:
Once you have protected yourself from the stressor in the way that is best for you, imagine what you would like to surround yourself with on the inside of this boundary. What do you value that might be the opposite of the effect this stressor has on you? What gives you that value in the way that is most supportive for you? Imagine being surrounded by these things/activities/spirits/people.
Stay with the image as long as you like:
Take at least five minutes to close your eyes and stay with the whole picture including the outside and the inside of the boundary, free to engage to your heart’s content in all that feeds and rejuvenates you.
Notice any shift in your body as a result:
Once it feels complete, check in with your body and notice any shift in sensations compared to before you did this exercise. Make sure to thank yourself for any positive shift and know that you were the one who helped your own self in response to the stress.
In conclusion, it can be so easy to fall into a pattern of pleasing others to gain their acceptance. However, it can result in a lot of confusion about management of your own energy toward what is important and even essential to who you uniquely are. However, use of the above technique can help you imagine the definite possibility of protection from all that is not you and simultaneous engagement with exactly what fills you up so that you can contribute to the world in a way that is sustainable for you. Feel free to visit this place in your mind before, during, and after interactions with your identified stressor.
Please let me know your thoughts. The link below will take you to the blog where you may leave me a comment at the bottom of the page.
https://www.flowingfountainlpcs.com/blog/creating-a-boundary-mindset
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Overcoming self-doubt in an altered reality
After the trauma, your life may have been changed dramatically. Suddenly, the rest of your life is requiring more of you than you feel prepared to give. Your new reality monopolizes every scrap of your effort just for everyday functioning.
You may have lost a loved one, become permanently disabled, or have had to relocate to a whole new environment. You have no idea when or if you will even get through the day unscathed, much less return to your previous level of functioning before the event or thrive in your new reality. Is there any way out of this seemingly unending cycle of hopelessness? If so, how do we start the journey?
Tips on regaining inner confidence and thriving in an unexpectedly brand new existence.
The brain’s grand effort to protect:
Trauma means that even after the threat is gone, our brain is focusing almost all its energy on making sure we are safe, secure, and protected, which includes our emotions. So, when we face an overwhelming and new environment, our brains generalize our current lack of functioning to be a permanent condition. As if our current struggle is the same as our whole person being defective. Again, this is in order to protect us from disappointment when we continue to fumble.
The potential downfall:
But if we are in this place of self-doubt forever, then we are choosing to stay in the discomfort of not being sure of ourselves, absent of hope, for the rest of our lives. So, if we don’t continue taking uncomfortable but healthy risks, we are never going to grow past our previous developmental level we were at before the unfortunate event happened. We will never know for sure if the option of thriving or even improving was actually possible.
The way out:
Write down the sources of support that you are missing in this new environment.
The reality of the adjustment is that some source of support has been taken away. It might have been a familiar setting, the physical presence of a loved one, or authority over your own body. Honestly and nonjudgmentally facing absence is the first step of healing. Give yourself permission to notice and show compassion for the uncomfortable feelings this stirs up, knowing they are only visitors and the faster they are acknowledged, the sooner relief will come.
Name potential new sources of support that are applicable in your new environment.
If there was some form of support within this new reality that would most likely resemble the type of support you are missing, what would that be? Answer this question for each missing source of support.
Loved One
If the missing support is a loved one, which person within your new reality would most likely provide that type of support the best, even if it is only an ounce of hunch, lean into that relationship a little more by being honest with your emotions about what happened. Odds are, there is plenty of support just waiting for you to ask.
In the body
If the missing support is a missing limb or a function of your body that you took for granted before, reach out to professionals such as physical therapists and doctors for information on how to proceed from here. Focus on a part of your body that is functioning well and spend time engaging with this ability in a mindful way. What do you still have and how can it support you where it is needed most?
New surroundings
If you are missing a familiar environment, look around and find a place where you feel like you can be your genuine self because it is out there. If you try and don’t find anywhere at first, make it a goal to go exploring once each day or week at a specific time for a set amount of time. This will give you an achievable goal that you can check off no matter the results.
In conclusion, isn’t finding the support your soul was yearning for worth the temporary discomfort of being unsure? Definite and continued discomfort from self-doubt versus the chance of uncertainty that just may be an open door to the rest of your life. The freedom of allowing yourself to relax, soak in the support, and eventually jump off that springboard.
Please let me know your thoughts. The link below will take you to the blog where you may leave me a comment at the bottom of the page.
https://www.flowingfountainlpcs.com/blog/overcoming-self-doubt-in-an-altered-reality
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Overcoming Self-doubt from Trauma
Trauma and Self Doubt: What is the connection? How come most people with a trauma history often doubt themselves and have low self-confidence, if it even exists? Do trauma and self-doubt affect each other directly, or is it just a coincidence that they often appear in the same places? And does the answer to that question shed any light on a way out of the self-doubt cycle?
Trauma in general:
So, when something scary happens, the brain keeps its memory of the event or events on replay until as many details as possible are noted and labeled as dangerous. This is the body’s way of keeping us safe and secure. But, the trauma happens when the same level of protection continues even when the threat no longer exists. In this situation, the danger labels are so general that they take up energy and time for unneeded alarm bells rather than for continued learning and growing past the event.
When it causes self-doubt:
These generalizations apply not only tangible details but also to emotions and thoughts involved in the event. So, the brain is susceptible to making a connection between something you did or didn’t do in order to cause the unfortunate event. The relation between the two can result in a belief that you are either totally defective at that action or that your whole person is defective. This is the brain’s way of protecting us from future disappointment and future danger.
For example, if someone made a mistake that they perceive caused the unfortunate event, lowering the expectation by believing they are no good at anything will protect them in the short run from being too disappointed when they don’t perform well. However, in the long run, it will potentially keep them from taking healthy risks that will help them learn and continue growing.
Or maybe someone has been told their whole life by their parents they won’t amount to anything and they started to believe it so they wouldn’t be disappointed when they made mistakes. Maybe this person made the generalization that trying to get positive attention doesn’t work with anyone, so they just stop trying positive interactions with everyone. This way, they avoid disappointment in the short run, but they also miss out on other possibly healthy relationships in the long run.
Why it can be a problem:
Whatever happened and whatever you have taken away from the event, if we don’t continue trying and taking reasonable but healthy risks, we’ll never grow past the event. We’ll just be stuck in the same uncomfortable and self-doubting place for the rest of our lives. Who wants that?
The way out:
If this sounds like a place you have or are currently visiting, the way out is easy as 1, 2, 3.
1. Reconsider the self-doubting generalization after contemplating:
A. Just the fact that you are on this earth means that you have something to offer this world
B. No one else can provide your gift exactly like you can provide it.
C. The world is in desperate need of the gift you can give exactly in the way you give it.
2. List your strengths: I challenge you to list at least twenty strengths that you have. That might seem like a big number, but you can do it. Try calling your best friends, family members, and acquaintances for help if you need it.
3. Notice how you feel now compared to before the challenge and bask in any relief you experience.
In conclusion, the connection between trauma and self-doubt is real and comes from the body’s goal of keeping you safe and stable. However, once the danger has passed, the stability comes at the expense of never reaching for a better future. No matter what your past is, your presence on this earth means you have something to contribute. It’s just a matter of noticing the gems that are already there.
Please let me know your thoughts. The link below will take you to the blog where you may leave me a comment at the bottom of the page.
www.flowingfountainlpcs.com/blog/overcoming-self-doubt-from-trauma
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What is EMDR?
EMDR: What is that? I see those letters together all the time. What does it mean? What is its connection with trauma? Does it actually work?
Regular memories:
When you go through your day and have several different experiences followed by going to sleep, there is a part of sleep called REM sleep. It stands for Rapid Eye Movement, and it is when your eyes go back and forth so your brain can store the memories where they belong. This way, you are able to wake up in the morning and say “ That happened yesterday and not today, so my body doesn’t need to respond to that right now because this is now and that was then.”
Emotionally charged memories:
If a memory contains intense emotions surrounding danger, the brain spends more time with the details of those memories in order to avoid the same kind of danger in the future. What a favor our brains do us by meticulously sifting through those details just to keep us safe! What is more, this often happens in the background without our conscious awareness. However, the trouble starts when all this reviewing gets in the way of us continuing to learn or even remembering how to function in the present.
How does EMDR help?
EMDR or Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing, gives you a chance to engage in the eye movement that is already familiar to the brain while processing the memory through verbal communication. This way, the information the brain is processing behind the scenes is able to rise to consciousness, be sorted, and put where it belongs. Then, we are able to look at the memory as a picture on the wall rather than the here and now and the brain is able to recall the memory without having a bodily response.
Trusting the process:
The more you are able to lean into the process with a sense of curiosity and truthful observation, the more quickly and effectively whatever is subconscious will be able to enter consciousness and healing insights come to mind that would not come to mind otherwise. As a mental health provider, I have never seen a more effective tool for healing perspective, emotions, and bodily reactions at the same time.
In conclusion, now you know the magic of how EMDR invites you back to the here and now and the autonomy of shaping the rest of your life into what you actually want, independent of whatever happens between here and there.
Please let me know your thoughts. The link below will take you to the blog where you may leave me a comment at the bottom of the page.
https://www.flowingfountainlpcs.com/blog/what-is-emdr
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Trauma: What's that mean?
Trauma: What does that mean and how do you know if you have it? Is it a permanent thing? It sounds pretty scary and uncomfortable, right? Is there any way to find relief if you do have it?
Regular information intake:
It all has to do with the way the brain organizes information that is coming in. This starts with our senses of taste, touch, smell, hear, and sight. Then, the information is stored in our brain so we can learn about and functionally adapt to our environment.
The body’s healthy response to perceived danger:
When something scary happens that we perceive threatens our survival, our bodies go into what is called a survival mode, which is when all circuits and chemicals in the body are spending all their energy on simply surviving.
The ways we behave during this mode come in three different forms. Flight, which is all energy is toward escaping; Fight, which is when we use force to protect ourselves against the threat; and Freeze, which is pausing in order to fake death so the threat will no longer aggress toward the individual.
During this process, the body is producing chemicals that give us what seems like superhuman abilities such as lifting whole cars with bare hands, staying completely still for what seems like hours, or running at light speed. Superpowers our bodies produce to save our lives! How great is it that our bodies automatically do this to save our lives!!
How and when the trouble starts:
However, sometimes after a traumatic event, our brains get stuck in survival mode even after the danger isn’t around anymore. The brain becomes so focused on keeping us alive that it no longer has energy for continued learning, logical thought, or effective interaction with the here and now.
It is as if the brain is isolating all its energy on the specific event in order to find out exactly what went wrong and how to prevent it in the future. That is why we become so sensitive to all the details of the event that might not be dangerous at all by itself, but because it is associated with the dangerous event, our bodies register it as dangerous.
This is why we go into survival mode in response to any specific sense, such as a smell, taste, outward or inward sensation, or sound that is associated with the scary event in some way. An example might be you freeze or have a panic attack when your heart rate reaches the high point it reached during the event, even if you are just running or playing basketball for exercise.
The association of the sense with the event may not be conscious, which can make the symptoms seem very random and unpredictable, leading us to feel like slaves to their every whim. Symptoms can include and are not limited to: repetitive and vivid memories of the event, nightmares about the event, trouble sleeping, startling easily at loud noises.
Anxiety about the chances of unexpectedly freaking out at any moment can lead to a sense of inadequacy, negative thinking patterns about yourself and or the world, avoidance of triggers that you do recognize, and down right hopelessness.
There can be an end to the madness:
If any of this seems familiar to you, please know that trauma does not have to be permanent and it does not define you. There are several ways out, and I encourage you to look for therapists that can be your guide toward relief from symptoms, finding true meaning from the experience, and applying that knowledge to a better than ever future. Stay tuned for my next blog on a process of therapy called EMDR that is specifically designed to help you safely and effectively process the event so you are left with a relaxed brain and body and an accurate view of what happens as well as functional meaning you can apply to the rest of your life.
Please let me know your thoughts. The link below will take you to the blog where you may leave me a comment at the bottom of the page.
https://www.flowingfountainlpcs.com/blog/trauma-whats-that-mean
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Old habits die hard
Old habits die hard. There is a ring of truth to that statement. When you’re going through something unexpected and seemingly unbearable or even dangerous, it’s hard to think of anything other than what’s most available to make you feel better. But, in a safe environment, some of those same choices create unnecessary problems later on. Like, taking your frustrations out on your partner when you’re really angry at your kid for getting in trouble at school. Or you consume a whole bag of twizzlers because your whole roof has caved in and the repairs cost more money than you have. These behaviors just leave you having to clean up additional messes, like apologizing and belly cramps, on top of the problems that already exist. Is there any way to avoid the extra headaches and stay focused on the actual problem at hand without losing our cool?
Below are 5 tips that can serve as guardrails for your path of purpose even in the face of difficulty, letting the unhelpful habits just disappear.
What do you wish you could do? Make a list of things you have secretly wanted to accomplish or know more about but ended up telling yourself is just isn’t possible. It could be sailing, doing a handstand, learning a new musical instrument, researching your family tree, hiking the Appalachian trail. The sky's the limit. Make a list of everything you can remember having these thoughts about. Aim for at least 10 ideas.
Which ones would stretch you? Narrow the list down to the ones that ask something of you that you have never given. Which ones use a part of your mind and or body that you have never used before?
Make an appointment with the activity. Once you enter the uncharted territory of engaging with your chosen activity, curiosity is likely to hook you into coming back to learn and do even more than before. It will even start to enter the pockets in your day where stress seems to linger, filling it with ease just at the thought of engaging with this activity.
Notice your progress. Also, as you watch yourself grow, progress, and learn at something you told yourself you were not capable of, your sense of validation and confidence goes through the roof and the confidence spreads to other perhaps more stressful areas of your life.
Notice the dissipation. Then, before you know it, you will be able to get through a whole day without even thinking about the habit that once seemingly consumed your life. You may even fully believe you don’t need it anymore because if you can learn to do one thing you sold yourself short over, perhaps you can learn from the stressful parts in life by engaging with them.
In conclusion, unhelpful habits can have a profound effect on our lives, discouraging already stressful situations. But, taking the time and effort to engage with a small area of doubt mixed with interest can help you prove yourself capable, which can quickly spread to other areas of your life. Pretty soon you have neither the time nor the need for the unhelpful habits because you believe you are strong enough to handle the tough spots on your own and you have something fun and constructive to do after you solve the problem at hand.
Below are two great books on Amazon I recommend.
The Body Keeps The Score: https://amzn.to/3pK0mOS
Getting Past Your Past: https://amzn.to/312G095
Please let me know your thoughts. The link below will take you to the blog where you may leave me a comment at the bottom of the page.
https://www.flowingfountainlpcs.com/blog/old-habits-die-hard
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Overcoming Rejection
Rejection: Ouch! It physically hurts like a needle in the chest and a kick in the gut. It is your heart being thrown on the floor and shattered into a million pieces. It is the feeling of worthlessness, the constant “what did I do wrong?” and “what is wrong with me?” Is there any way out of this cycle of negative talk and increasingly uncomfortable feelings? If so, how do we even come to a place of acceptance, much less a hopeful path past rejection?
Below are six tips that can help you ride on through the pain of rejection and into the rest of your life.
Truth or people pleasing?: Is the impression you communicated coming from your true self, or is it coming from a place of wanting to please?
Find your truth: If you find that it is coming from a place of wanting to please rather than your true self, consider spending time with yourself defining what makes you uniquely you. Make a list of things you are proud of and that make you stand out from others. Live from that genuine part of you so much that it radiates from you.
It is only temporary: If what is being rejected is coming from a genuine you-ness already, it can be crushing. The most important thing to do in that moment is to name what you’re feeling and own it, knowing that the feeling is a visitor and not a long term resident. It will have a beginning, a middle, and an end.
The gatekeeper: Know that as long as you are living from your most genuine and true self, shining it as bright as possible, it serves as a gatekeeper. Communicating your true self clearly and effectively helps weed out all the people who are not going to resonate with you, leaving room for those who will resonate with you in the future. You can be available for those who get you and appreciate you to no end.
Expect Future Acceptance: Just the fact that you are alive and unique is proof that there are people out there who will resonate with you and who will not only enjoy you but who need your unique gifts.
Through this lens, you are not only getting unstuck from the uncomfortable side of rejection but you are freeing yourself to celebrate rejection as a milestone toward connecting with the people you were made for.
In conclusion, rejection in any form can be very painful and debilitating at times. However, it is only a visitor and it can be a helpful guide toward genuine and true connection. I hope the above tips are helpful in opening your mind toward riding on through the tunnel of rejection toward your destination of belonging.
Below are two great books on Amazon I recommend.
The Body Keeps The Score: https://amzn.to/3pK0mOS
Getting Past Your Past: https://amzn.to/312G095
Please let me know your thoughts. The link below will take you to the blog where you may leave me a comment at the bottom of the page.
https://www.flowingfountainlpcs.com/blog/overcoming-rejection
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Overcoming Hopelessness
Hopelessness. It is the absence of inspiration and encouragement. Everything is grey. Lack of motivation. No Drive to do anything. The meaning in life is few and far between. The bounce and energy of life that you once experienced is nowhere to be found. What now? Does a path out of this fog even exist? If so, how do you begin the journey of finding it?
Below are four ways to slowly but surely invite hope back into your life
Accept it. If you are ever going to heal, the first step is accepting that this is just the way life looks right now. Hopelessness is a feeling, which means that at one point or another, every single person in the world is going to experience it at least for some time. So, rest assured, this is a normal feeling that is part of life. So, if you are having this feeling, you are normal and this is just your body asking for help.
Notice your Motivation: When you do get out of bed, what is your motivation? On the possibly rare occasions that you move your feet from the bed to the floor, what convinces you to do so; even if the answer is taking care of bodily functions (which means you are taking care of your body’s needs). Once you have the answer, focus on it. Journal about it, meditate on it, tell a friend about it. If it is only one thing, that is okay. Just stay with that motivation in any creative way possible.
Imagery: Imagine a totally black canvas with the tiniest scrape of light shining through. Then, imagine it slowly and gradually increasing in size. Even if you can only imagine it growing a tenth of a centimeter, that is ok. It’s progress. If there was anything in your life that represented that tiny speck, what would it be? What would have to happen in order for it to grow that tenth of a centimeter?
Make it Tangible: If hope had a color, what would it be? If it had a shape, what would that be? Texture? Temperature? A place to live in your body? Imagine the tangible answers to all those questions being small at first but growing until it spread all throughout your body. If that essence was available even in the smallest amount within the here and now, what would it be? Engage with the answer to that question. If it is a person, call them on the phone.. Spend time with them. If it is a four legged creature, snuggle, play, and show them love.
In conclusion, hopelessness can be very heavy, overwhelming, and all encompassing. After trying the above tips, I hope you find one that helps you think of at least one small glimmer of hope within the here and now that can be your start to helping it spread throughout your life as you lean deeper into that one small sliver.
Please let me know your thoughts. The link below will take you to the blog where you may leave me a comment at the bottom of the page.
https://www.flowingfountainlpcs.com/blog/overcoming-hopelessness
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Below are two great books on Amazon I recommend.
The Body Keeps The Score: https://amzn.to/3pK0mOS
Getting Past Your Past: https://amzn.to/312G095
Click the link to see all my blogs > https://www.flowingfountainlpcs.com/blog
Please checkout my latest YouTube on other great topics at the link below.
Calming Fear
Fear- It is the absence of safety, the shortness of breath, the pounding of your heart. It is the fire in the pit of your stomach and the ice cube that now is your core. It is the thing that is keeping you from living life to the fullest. Is there any way out of this misery? If so, how do we release this feeling so we can be free to engage fully with the life we were meant to have?
The tips below can help you relax that fear and fully engage with your present life.
Grounding: Look for whatever is supporting your body in the here and now within the current moment. An example might be, feeling the physical support of the ground under your feet or the chair under your bottom. Let your body sink into this support, letting the structure do the work for you. Sometimes naming the texture of this support is helpful in letting your muscles forget tension.
Bring your dream support to life : If you had a perfect source of support in this world, what color would it be? What shape? Texture? Temperature? If it made contact with your body, where would you want it to support you? Would it be tight around your body or loose? Is there a specific part of your body that would need extra support? Imagine this support in all of the above ways for as long as you want.
Stream of Safety: If there was a stream of safety starting at your head and running through the rest of your body, what color would be the most supportive to you? Imagine that color of safety running down your head, shoulders, torso, legs, and feet, healing every cell in your body from fear. Then, imagine it coming back up your body as a shield, encasing your feet, legs, torso, shoulders, and head from anything that is harmful but letting enough room for all that is helpful to enter. Imagine this for as long as you want, relaxing into the epitome of safety you constructed for yourself, inside and out.
Identify your actual sources of safety: If there is even an inkling of safety for you in this world, who is it, where is it, what form does it actually take within this lifetime? What do you have right here and now that helps you stay safe? Write this answer down and engage with the answer. Spend time with the person, draw the place, dance it, act it out, and think about it as much as you want.
In conclusion, there are many situations that can lead to legitimate fear in this world, but after reading these tips, take time to reflect on any difference you notice as a result of trying them. Then, consider the choices you have available to you in an instance of fear in order to increase your sense of safety for your own self. How empowered do you feel as a result?
Below are two great books on Amazon I recommend.
The Body Keeps The Score: https://amzn.to/3pK0mOS
Getting Past Your Past: https://amzn.to/312G095
Please let me know your thoughts. The link below will take you to the blog where you may leave me a comment at the bottom of the page.
https://www.flowingfountainlpcs.com/blog/calming-fear
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Click the link to see all my blogs > https://www.flowingfountainlpcs.com/blog
Please checkout my latest YouTube on other great topics at the link below.
Letting go of SHAME
SHAME. Its the messages, “I am stupid”, “I am a bad person”, “I can’t believe I did that”, “It is all my fault”. It's the pit in your stomach that grows all throughout your body, constantly reminding you of how ineffective you are. It is the weight of it that you carry everywhere. Is this just the way it's going to be for the rest of our lives or is there some mysterious way to distance ourselves from this all consuming trap of emotion?
Below are 8 tips on how to lay shame down to rest for good and give yourself a break
Name it. Confess it because no matter what, nothing is going to change the fact that this happened and that it is killing you. So, you might as well just bring it into the light. Once you name what happened and how it is affecting you, it takes half the power away from this destructive force and stops it from growing. So, find a trusted friend and tell them what happened.
Separate the action from who you are: Ask yourself if your best friend did the same action in the same situation, what would I tell them? How would I look at it differently? What could I say that would be helpful to them?
Look for the lesson: What was my contribution to the unpleasant outcome? And What can I do differently next time to get a more successful outcome? Take that answer forward into the future by making a plan for the next time this happens.
Listen to what you are telling yourself: Write down the negative thoughts you tell yourself about what happened. Then, put it in the voice of your favorite cartoon character. What would your best friends say in response to those negative thoughts?
Focus on your bright spots: What would your best friends say they admire you for? Make a list and keep it by your bedside at night.
List what brings you joy: Think about what you were doing the last time you laughed until your stomach hurt? What were you doing the last time you said “I was born to do this!” What makes you cry buckets of tears?
Embrace the wide picture of you: Once you have your joy list, make an appointment with yourself to engage with these activities and concepts. Tell people about them, meditate on them, draw them, dance them out, write them to music, the sky's the limit!!
Notice the difference: After engaging in the above tips, just notice the overall difference in the way you feel about yourself compared to before you considered the tips. Bask in any positive difference you notice and know that you are so invaluable at your core apart from any actions you could ever do.
In conclusion, bringing the situation into the light, looking for and applying the lesson, and separating your self-concept from the action can have a significant and powerful effect on laying your shame down to rest so that you can give yourself a break.
Below are two great books on Amazon I recommend.
The Body Keeps The Score: https://amzn.to/3pK0mOS
Getting Past Your Past: https://amzn.to/312G095
Please let me know your thoughts. The link below will take you to the blog where you may leave me a comment at the bottom of the page.
https://www.flowingfountainlpcs.com/blog/letting-go-of-shame
Feel free to sign up for my newsletter by clicking the link below. https://www.flowingfountainlpcs.com/news-letter
Click the link to see all my blogs > https://www.flowingfountainlpcs.com/blog
Please checkout my latest YouTube on other great topics at the link below.
Feelings Management for YOU!!
Once you know the importance of noticing feelings and how to lean in deeper to get more information about the specific feeling itself, how do you know exactly what to do next? How do you get ideas of how to manage the emotion and decide which one is going to help YOUR UNIQUE SELF in THIS SPECIFIC MOMENT. How do we get creative with managing the emotion and discerning which method is best right here, right now, for YOU?
The good news is below are questions you can ask yourself to address YOUR Emotional need more effectively.
1. Situation: What is the situation that is connected to this feeling? Once you identify the feeling, what situation in your recent past is attached the most to this feeling’s intensity?
EX1: Based on the feeling of jealousy: A girlfriend of mine from grade school recently told me she is able to travel anywhere she wants in the whole world whenever she wants.
EX2: Based on the feeling of loneliness: I’m at a yoga training all weekend away from family.
2. Feeling: What is the thought that accompanies the situation? What are you saying to yourself as a result of this feeling?
Ex 1: That is not fair. I don’t get to do that!!
EX 2: I miss my family. I’m alone.
3. Belief: What is the general belief about you, others, or the world that is leading to that automatic thought and feeling?
Ex1: I am not worthy of freedom to travel.
Ex2: I am alone and will always be alone.
4. Need: Based on your answers to all of the above questions, think about the specific need that is present for you in this present moment.
Ex1: Self-Worth, Freedom
Ex2: Connection
5 .Cure: Then, use your answers from every question so far, identify exactly what, that is within your control, would adequately meet that need?
Ex1 for Freedom: Set financial goals specifically for travel, Boundaries between work and play or between myself and other time demands so that I feel more autonomous with my time and decisions in general.
Ex1 for Self-Worth: Study affirmations, Ask for affirmations from friends, Do some therapy on why the low self-esteem, work the above financial plan and bask in your success.
Ex2: Call my family and/or spend social time with fellow yogis at lunch time.
In conclusion, there are plenty of ways to manage all kinds of emotions but this set of questions helps narrow down exactly what is needed pertaining to the clues in your specific environment. As you can see, both uncomfortable feelings led to almost opposite cures based on the same questions about different environments.
Please let me know your thoughts. The link below will take you to the blog where you may leave me a comment at the bottom of the page.
https://www.flowingfountainlpcs.com/blog/wjfdp9fw917qb96yw3f7avk285pkyq
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Making Feelings Tangible:
You may have heard therapists advise you to “check in with your emotions” on a regular basis. That is all well and good, but is it really enough just to name the feelings you’re having? How is knowing what we are feeling and stopping there going to solve any problems? How do we lean in and experience even more of the feeling so that we can glean as much knowledge as possible toward managing the emotion?
Follow the steps below for clues on what your emotion asks of you.
Feeling: After you fill in your heart with all the different feelings you are experiencing, pick the feeling that is the most alive for you in the moment.
Color: If this feeling had a color, what would that be? There is no wrong answer here. Just whatever color you automatically associate with that feeling.
Shape: If this feeling had a shape, what would that be? Feel free to draw the shape on some paper in the color you have indicated.
Texture: If this feeling had a texture, what would that be? Ex: soft, fuzzy, bumpy, sharp, pointy, smooth, heavy, light…
Temperature: If this feeling had a temperature, what would that be? Ex: Hot, cold, medium, a certain number of degrees…
On the inside: If this feeling lived in your body, where would it live? What sensation would the feeling give off on the inside? Tingling, pulsing, painful, jarring, warm, cool, soothing, peaceful, pressing, light…
Intensity: If it was a number between 0 (no intensity) and 10 (the most intensity imaginable), what number would that be?
The ask: What, that is within your control, would need to happen in order to change that number to a more comfortable level?
An example of answers to all these questions might be going from the word jealousy to a purple bumpy cold triangle in your gut at a level of 8. Your plan to get it down to a 2 or 1 may be to think about things you have right now that you are really grateful for.
In conclusion, the way we sometimes think about emotions can be so abstract that they can seem elusive and lacking any helpful information whatsoever. But, using these steps to make them more tangible can be such a rich experience of connection with the emotion that you sometimes know exactly what the emotion is asking you for even before you ask the question. Stay tuned for my next blog on more ways to further meet feelings’ needs.
Please let me know your thoughts. The link below will take you to the blog where you may leave me a comment at the bottom of the page.
https://www.flowingfountainlpcs.com/blog/making-feelings-tangible
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Preventing embarrassing over reactions: Art for Feeling Awareness
Have you ever found yourself in the middle of a screaming tirade at your loved one for something tiny like not loading the dishwasher or leaving the toilet seat up? This leaves you feeling guilty and neurotic and causes unnecessary hurt feelings as well as tense relationships. If the only way out of uncomfortable feelings is through them, how do we notice them festering so that we can head them off before we create even worse problems for ourselves by overreacting to undeserving events? Is there any way to proactively address our feelings in order to nurture ourselves and protect the relationships that are important to us?
The good news is, below there is a template of a regular check in for transforming your feelings from something abstract and vague to clear, concise, and tangible so you can begin working in an intentional healing direction.
The Container: Sit in a quiet space, taking a comfortable sitting position. Close your eyes or look at a spot on the floor in front of you while you take three deep breaths. Notice if you or your soul were a container of emotions, what would come up for you right now? Feel free to write down what you notice on a piece of paper. Take another piece of paper and draw a heart that takes up almost the whole piece of paper. This represents the maximum amount of space within you for emotions to occupy.
The feelings: Do a google search for “comprehensive list of feeling words” to jog your memory of different choices. Print out the list and underline the ones you most identify with in the here and now. Try to pick three to five feelings. List the ones you pick beside the heart that you drew.
The colors: Assign each feeling a color by highlighting each feeling name a different color (whatever you associate with that feeling is fine).
The amount: For each feeling, color the amount of your whole heart each color is occupying.
The thoughts: For each feeling, assign a thought, belief, or root situation attached to the feeling.
Fit it in your life: This ritual could be a daily or weekly event in your life, giving you a regular built-in opportunity to notice what is showing up for you and offer yourself compassion as a nonjudgmental witness.
In conclusion, once you have this much more tangible information, it may be enough to just notice this for yourself. You may want to share it with a trusted friend or a therapist for further support. Also, stay tuned for my next blog on ways to manage uncomfortable feelings that arise during this process.
Please let me know your thoughts. The link below will take you to the blog where you may leave me a comment at the bottom of the page.
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Working Through Trauma 3: Yoga to increase work performance
Sometimes at work, we have so much pent up energy, we don’t know what to do with ourselves. This might happen right before an annual evaluation, a keynote presentation, a high stakes meeting, or a tense problem solving conversation with a coworker. You might be waiting on feedback from a request for a raise or a revision on a project that was ripped to shreds at first.
Any of these events can cause your nervous system to be stuck on high with extra energy that is actually distracting and keeps you from performing at your best ability. Even though you know your body is trying to produce energy for your good, the end result is that it backfires in the direction of yet another blunder, which is the last thing you need to happen at a time like this.
Is there any functional space for this extra energy? How do we convert it to actually help instead of sabotaging our intentions?
The good news is there are three tricks below to help you use that energy for an increase in focus and an accent on your uniqueness rather than a debilitating distraction.
Shaking: Raise one arm and begin shaking your fingers, hand, wrist, and all the way to your armpit, repeating the process with the other arm. Then move to your shoulders, chest, core, each leg, ankles, and feet. Feel free to bounce along with the shaking and keep going until your body feels complete. Pause and notice any grounding, relaxation, or increase in focus.
Shake and Sway: Repeat step one and just as you are finishing the shaking, raise your arms over your head and begin to twist side to side while your arms follow lazily behind, lowering gradually to your hips as you slow the pace of your twisting. Allow your hands to tap your hips as they eventually come to this level. Once you slow enough to stop, pause and notice any shift on the inside. Relaxation, grounding, levity, or peace.
Alternate Nostril Breathing: Hold your right hand level with your face, palm facing toward your face. Lower your index and middle finger. Exhale fully before pressing your right thumb to your right nostril, closing off the space. Inhale fully through your left nostril before releasing the pressure on your right nostril and pressing your right ring finger to your left nostril, closing the airway before you exhale completely. Inhale fully before switching back to pressing your right thumb to your right nostril at the top of the inhale, followed by fully exhaling and completing the first cycle. (If it gets confusing, just start with your right thumb to right nostril and remember to switch at the top of the inhale back and forth between the ring finger and the left nostril during each breath.) Repeat at least five times. Pause and notice any shift in your body. Relaxation, alertness, focus, calm, balance.
In conclusion, when you are feeling keyed up before a potentially tense and challenging event, you don’t have to fall prey to the distracting energy that is bound to trip you up if it isn’t channeled. Pick from one or all of these tricks and enjoy sidestepping any more blunders by being cool, calm, and confidently ready.
Please let me know your thoughts. The link below will take you to the blog where you may leave me a comment at the bottom of the page.
https://www.flowingfountainlpcs.com/blog/working-through-trauma-3-yoga-to-increase-work-performance
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Working through Trauma 2: Yoga for after hours de-stress
Stress from work can dominate your whole life if you let it. This could look like body aches, a jittery stomach, irritability with friends and family, and loss of sleep to rumination. It is bound and determined to steal all your valuable quality recharge time if you let it. Maybe it was your boss reprimanding you, a fight with a coworker, or something you thought would be easily fixable turned out to demand way more of your time and effort than you can give in one day. These things are so stressful and have the potential to take over your whole life. Is there any way to avoid falling prey to this seemingly all consuming force? How do we free ourselves to draw from life-giving sources without interference from work?
The good news is that you have more choice and control in this matter than you might realize!! The five body tricks below can offer a tangible boundary between your work stresses and your home and personal life, leaving work stress within the physical and time proximity of work, instead of invading your personal recharge time.
The ear massage: Take both ear lobes between your first two fingers and your thumbs. Gently pull in a circular motion, moving up and down the outside fleshy portion for as long as necessary. Afterwards, pause to notice the effect this has on tension in and around your whole head.
Wipe it off: Pretend the stress is caked all over your body in mud form. Use your hands like windshield wipers, wiping the stress away. You can even name the specific source of stress you are wiping away. Start with your face, moving down to your neck, shoulders, arms, torso, back, legs and feet. Keep wiping until you feel complete. Then, pause and notice any physical clearing, relaxation of muscles, or the corners of your mouth suddenly having more levity.
Rag Doll: Stand with your feet hip width apart, bend your knees slightly as you lower your upper body and reach toward your feet with your hands. Let your body hang and imagine the stress just falling down your back, off your shoulders. Remember that most of the stress is probably not even yours to hold anyway. Stay as long as you wish, perhaps swinging side to side like a monkey, before slowly rolling your upper body back to a standing position. Pause and notice any specific relaxation as a result or your hang out.
Windshield Wipers: Lay on your back with your feet a little wider than hip width apart and your knees pointing to the sky. Let your knees fall in the same direction to one side and then to the other side as if your legs were moving like windshield wipers on a car. Back and Forth. Feel free to keep your legs in the lowest position, stretching your arms out to either side and looking in the opposite direction from where your knees are pointing in each direction. This will allow a stretch in your psoas and pelvis, allowing not only physical but emotional tension to escape from your pores.
Legs up the Wall: Sit sideways with your feet straight out in front of you against an empty space on a sturdy wall. Lower your upper body to the ground away from the wall, scooting your bottom flesh with the wall. Raise your legs against the wall and let the sturdiness of the wall support them as they relax and your back relaxes on the floor. Stay as long as you like, feeling the blood fall down your body like a waterfall. To come out, let your legs fall to the side down the wall and slowly come to sitting. Pause and notice any relaxation effects this has on your body.
In conclusion, these tricks can be done at the end of your work day or right as you arrive home, serving as an energetic boundary between the stress of your work day and the rest of your life. The physical effects will serve as sensory reminders to relax in the moment and open yourself to the wider context of your life that stretches way beyond what you do for a living.
Please let me know your thoughts. The link below will take you to the blog where you may leave me a comment at the bottom of the page.
https://www.flowingfountainlpcs.com/blog/working-through-trauma-2-yoga-for-after-hours-de-stress
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Working Through Trauma 1: Increasing the Energy
Trauma can really take a toll on the work day!!
Nightmares from trauma can be devastating to the quality of sleep including avoiding sleeping for fear of them and waking up because of them, resulting in low energy the next day.
Negative thought patterns such as lack of safety in the world can result in major emotional battles just to get up and commute in order to get to work, much less the safety of staying all day somewhere that is not your home.
Lack of trust in others can result in ineffective communication and cooperation with coworkers as well as people you may be serving.
Self-doubt about job performance due to past trauma can also result in lack of motivation to even try at success as well as constant worry about when you are going to make your next big mistake that gets you fired for good.
All of these negative experiences drain energy right out of you so that you have nothing left for the work day even as you are just walking through the door. Then, you find yourself just waiting around for the end of the work day. How miserable!! Is there any way to circumvent these events so that you can get through the work day without needing a pot of coffee to do it?
Below are four body tricks to boost your energy, keep you motivated, and increase your level of positivity at any point during your work day.
1. Breath of Joy:
Stand
- Feet hip width apart and your hands by your side
Inhale 3 counts:
- Count 1- lift your arms straight up above your head
- Count 2- Swing your arms out to either side
-Count 3- Lift your arms back up straight above your head
Exhale:
-Squat or bend your knees as if sitting on an invisible chair, swinging your arms swiftly down to your sides.
Think:
- Whatever motivates you to get up in the morning Ex: family, friends, a higher power, or your favorite hobby
Repeat:
- 3 or more times.
2. Energy Bath:
Stand
- Feet hip width apart and your hands by your side
Hands
- Rub your palms together quickly until you feel heat
Body
- Rub your palms over your body as you would with a washcloth when bathing
Pause
- Notice the effect this has on your body, any tingling or alertness
3. Core Twist:
Stand
- Feet hip width apart and your hands by your side
Inhale 2 counts
- Count 1: Twist upper body to one side with hands on shoulders and elbows pointing out to either side
- Count 2: Twist upper body to the opposite side with hands on shoulders, elbows pointing out to either side
Exhale 2 counts
- Count 1: Twist upper body to the opposite side while punching your arm in that direction.
- Count 2: Twist upper body back to the opposite side while punching your arm in same direction as your body is moving.
- Chant the syllable “Ra”(meaning energy) each time you punch an arm.
Repeat:
- The whole sequence 4 or more times
Pause:
- Notice any shift in your body such as increased energy, a strengthened core, or increased confidence
4. Heart Opener:
Stand
- Feet hip width apart and your hands by your side or kneel
Arms
- Reach both arms straight behind you, binding your fingers
Head
- Slightly tilt upward toward the ceiling to comfortable level
Think
- Consider a loved one to whom you want to offer connection
Pause
- Return relax and lower arms, noticing any shift in attitude or connection with others
In conclusion, above are four ways you can choose to improve your energy, attitude,self-confidence, and level of connection with others throughout the work day so that trauma interferes less and you are more fulfilled. I’m curious which of these is your favorite and how they have specifically helped you through your work day.
The link below will take you to the blog where you may leave me a comment at the bottom of the page.
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Trauma Triggers 3: Analogy of a beach ball
Trauma and all the stuff that comes with it. Triggers, Flashbacks, uncomfortable feelings like anger, anxiety, Self-doubt, shame, guilt. All of it is excruciating. It also seems to pop up whenever it wants to, leaving you devoid of any sense of control or agency, never knowing when it will rear its ugly head again. But what if I told you there is a way to cease these unexpected interruptions so you can get on with the rest of your life?
The good news is there is a way to help your uncomfortable symptoms drift away and stop popping up when you least expect it.
The analogy of a beach ball:
Imagine being in a nice cool pool on a hot sunny day, wading toward your favorite resting spot when a beach ball pops up in your face out of nowhere. If you immediately push the ball down, out of sight and out of mind immediately, it will only pop right back up and get in your way at a later point. But, if you let it stay on the surface long enough for the movement of water to change the direction of the ball, helping it drift away, you will eventually be free of the interruption.
Now imagine your uncomfortable symptoms being like that beach ball as you are going about your everyday life. Your immediate reaction is to just push that stuff back down so it doesn’t bother you. But, what will eventually happen if you follow through with that? It will most likely pop right back up later, forcing you to deal with it anyway.
Embarrassing consequences of pushing it away:
This might look like yelling in rage at your loved one about not putting the toilet seat down, only to experience added guilt for your overreaction and have to apologize after the fact. Or it might look like cussing the coffee shop barista because the cafe is out of your favorite latte flavor, only to seem neurotic to your fellow customers and possibly ruin the barista’s day for no good reason and totally out of the blue.
But, if you let that beach ball of uncomfortable symptoms float on the surface a minute by noticing what is happening, naming the feeling with a spirit of witness rather than judgment and perhaps curiosity about where it is coming from, it will most likely drift out of sight and away from your path of pursuit so you can continue toward your destination without interruption.
So the secret is, noticing and naming what is truly happening matter of factly perhaps to a friend or only to yourself so it will eventually drift out of sight, freeing you to continue on your journey. I’m curious about specific symptoms you have taken the time to name and admit honestly to yourself as well as the effect this pause has had on your future.
me a comment at the bottom of the page.
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Chilling Trauma Triggers 2: Functional Full Body Responses
Trauma triggers are reminders of our original trauma that send us into fight or flight mode, which means we do whatever is necessary to get the fastest relief possible. That is not always the best thing because we might reach for something that eventually either leaves us in worse shape than we were originally or prevents us from engaging in nurturing activities.
This might look like ditching that yoga class that is usually so refreshing because today the classroom smells like lavender and mint, which is what your professor wore when she told you you were no longer graduate school material, even though you had a 3.8 GPA.
It could also be your avoidance of basketball courts where you once found such strength and agility because of all those games you played with your dad who constantly criticized your every move.
Or physically pushing your dream man away because he tickled you in that spot that your perpetrator originally used to groom you into sexual acts.
These are examples of dysfunctional behaviors. Even though they calm the body in the moment, they end up hurting you down the road. Are there any full body functional responses to trauma triggers that can calm the body without hurting you later? If so, how do we train ourselves to automatically use these rather than the dysfunctional ones?
The good news is that there are functional full body responses you can use to expend energy and calm your body without later regret. And the way you train your brain to use these instead of the others is to practice them often while you are in a calm state.
1. The L:
> Stand in a forward facing position with your feet hip width apart.
> While inhaling, faise one arm straight above your head while simultaneously raising the other arm only half way (shoulder length). Try to move each arm at a pace so they both reach their respective places at the same moment.
> While exhaling, let each hand float back to your sides at a pace that they both reach your sides at the same moment.
> Switch arms alternately during each cycle of raising and lowering.
> Once you are comfortable with this, feel free to raise your heels on the inhale, lowering on the exhale.
2. Double Ferris Wheel
> Stand in a forward facing position with your feet hip width apart.
> While inhaling, move one arm straight in front of you in an upward circular motion, letting your arm reach a full vertical angle at the top of the inhale.
> Simultaneously, move your other arm directly behind you in the same upward circular motion, reaching the full vertical angle at the same time as your other arm.
> While exhaling, continue each arm in their respective circular directions, letting them come back down to your sides.
> Try to move both arms at a pace that oppositely mirrors the other arm. Both arms reach half way, three quarters, and full position at the same time.
> Once you are comfortable with this, feel free to raise your heels on the inhale, lowering on the exhale.
3. Diagonal Table Top Challenge
> Come to hands and knees position with both palms and knees on the floor (crawling position).
> Extend one arm directly in front of you and the opposite leg directly behind you.
> Rotate your wrist and ankle in opposite directions, one clockwise and the other counter-clockwise. Then, reverse the direction of each joint.
> Repeat steps 2 and 3 with opposite hand and foot.
> Once you become comfortable, try inhaling as your hand and foot move upward and exhaling as your hand and foot lower.
4. Happy Baby Joint Rotation
> Lie on your back with all your limbs relaxed.
> Raise both arms and both legs toward the ceiling
> Rotate your wrists in one circular direction and your ankles in the opposite circular direction. Then, reverse the direction of both your hands and your feet.
> Once this becomes comfortable, try step 3 with each opposite pair of foot and hand.
> Try inhaling as your appendages move upward and exhaling as they lower.
In conclusion, after trying these full body responses, you now have a choice to use the responses you have been using or to practice these so they eventually become an automatic response. Either way, your body will be calm following the trigger, but with the responses above, you don’t have to worry about regretting your decision down the road and you can be free to make decisions independent of your past.
Please let me know your thoughts. The link below will take you to the blog where you may leave me a comment at the bottom of the page.
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Chilling Trauma Triggers without the Regret
If you have experienced trauma, chances are you have experienced triggers, which are reminders of the trauma when you are in a safe and calm situation. Even though you are in a safe, calm situation, your brain reacts to triggers just as it would if there was danger.
So, it goes into fight or flight mode, and at that point, we grab whatever we can in the moment to calm our bodies, even if what we grab hurts us in the long run.
For example, every time you see the exact make, model, and color of car that your abusive ex had, you want to do a U-turn and go the opposite direction, even if it means missing that important job interview.
Or every time you see the specific billboard you saw right before that horrific crash, your body itches to get out of the car even while it is still moving. Maybe each time you get a piece of constructive criticism at work, you want to go home and eat a gallon of icecream, even if it means hours of bloating later.
These are all things that are relieving in the moment but really get in the way later down the road. How do we calm our bodies from triggers without experiencing even more pain after the relief wears off?
What if I told you there are four things you can do to calm your body down from a trigger response that you won’t regret later, and they are all in the palm of your hand? These trick the brain by giving it something to focus on, which calms the nervous system.
Tip Tap Fingers: Right hand: With your palms facing your chest, tap your thumb and forefinger against each other followed by your thumb tapping each finger to its left one at a time until it gets to the pinky. Left hand:starts with tapping your thumb against your pinky and simultaneously moves at the same pace as your right hand tapping the next finger to its left until it gets to your left forefinger.
Bow and Arrow: Do a thumbs up sign (bow) with the right hand while simultaneously pointing your left index finger (the arrow) toward the right hand. Then, switch the positions of bow and arrow between the hands, so the left thumb will now be up and the right index finger will be pointing toward the left hand. Once you practice enough, feel free to increase the speed enough to blow your friends’ minds.
The Spider: Hold your left hand in front of you with your palm facing your chest so that your left thumb is pointing toward the ceiling. Face both palms toward each other so that your right pinky touches your left thumb and your right thumb touches your left pinky. Then, let go at the bottom of the web (your right thumb and left pinky), turning your hands in opposite directions so that the same right thumb and left pinky land against each other again but they are the fingers pointing toward the ceiling. Then let go with the fingers that are now on the bottom (your left thumb and your right pinky) and turn each palm in opposite directions again but this time, try to connect your left thumb with your right ring finger instead of your pinky. Then let go with the bottom two fingers (the left pinky and right thumb) and spin your palms in opposite directions so that your right thumb touches your left ring finger. Then let go with the bottom two fingers and spin so that the left thumb touches your middle finger, then your right thumb touches your left middle finger….The thumbs continue to the first fingers and then go back in the opposite direction until they meet the pinky’s again.
The Gears: Hold your palms in front of you with the palm closest to you facing to one side of the room and the palm that is farthest from you is facing the opposite side of the room. Try to move each palm in opposite directions at the same pace so that they are directly above and below each other twice in one rotation. Then try switching the direction of each palm.
In conclusion, the above four finger and hand tricks are concrete ways you can give your brain something to focus on, which automatically calms the nervous system from the fight or flight response a trigger might produce. So, next time you notice yourself emotionally reacting to a safe but triggering detail, try one of the above tricks. The best part is you are never without props for any of them and the only after effect may be a boost in energy from moving your joints around! Feel free to tell me which one is your favorite in the comments below!!
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How to stop a panic attack dead in its tracks
Panic Attack!! The racing heart, the shallow breath,the sudden hot flashes mixed with freezing cold body temperature, the most devastatingly helpless feeling you have ever imagined. You also are pretty sure that in the next two minutes, you are either going to die or be locked up in jail for the rest of your life. What a scary experience! Is there any preparation for this? How do you get up the courage to go anywhere or do anything for fear it will happen again?
The good news is, even if it might feel like you are going to die, there is a better chance that you will survive and there are things you can do in the moment to stop the attack altogether.
Things to try:
1. Cross the midline of your body
Do what is called the pretzel which is to put both arms in front of you with thumbs pointing to the floor. Place your dominant arm on top of your other, and clasp fingers. Fold your arms into your chest. Place your dominant leg over the other. This should feel like you are giving yourself a much needed hug. Take deep breaths here and think of a calm and safe place until the attack passes.
2. Push against a sturdy wall.
Find an empty space on a sturdy wall and place both your palms firmly on the space parallel to each other. Lean against the wall and push, levering with your feet, as if you were attempting to push the wall over. The force of the wall supporting you and the energy you spend pushing will result in a calm nervous system. Feel free to push until your body not only allows for but begs you to relax.
3. Grab a cube of ice from the freezer with your bare hands.
Open a freezer, if there is one available, and grab a cube of ice in your hand. This is a safe way to shock your body into paying attention to the here and now rather than whatever is causing the panic attack, which effectively brings the nervous system back to neutral.
4. Mindfully sip ice water.
Put some ice and water in a container and take one sip, checking in with your body as to the location of the coolness as it travels down your esophagus. Again, the attention to what is happening on the inside automatically calms the nervous system and allows the attack to pass.
In conclusion, I’m curious if you tried the tricks above and if you noticed any shifts in your nervous system even if you were not in the middle of a panic attack. How helpful do you think this would be during the real experience? Does this have any effect on your mindset about embarking on adventures?
Please let me know your thoughts. The link below will take you to the blog where you may leave me a comment at the bottom of the page.
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Lean in
After trauma, there can be shame, doubt, sadness, confusion, and anger. On top of that, there are triggers and flashbacks keeping you a prisoner of your life’s worst moments. It seems like one huge bully dragging you by the arm through the dirt one more time just because they can. Are we just doomed to submission to these forces for the rest of our lives? Is there any way out of this never ending nightmare?
What if I told you an analogy that could help you ditch those emotionally excruciating moments for good and leave you free from all of it? If you are ready to learn how to leave your bully high and dry and yourself free and clear, read the analogy below to start the journey.
Think self- defense tactic
If someone is coming at you and dragging you by your arm, what they are expecting you to do and what your first instinct to do is to pull away, which actually helps the attacker get a grip because the base of your hand is actually wider than your wrist, turning the base of your hand into somewhat of a handle.
But, if you actually lean into them, not only are you surprising them, but you are slipping their hand further away from that handle as well as leveraging your arm at an angle where your wrist can slip through the space between their thumb and forefinger so you can squeeze your arm through and you are free.
Emotional self-defense
The grab
So, Emotionally, the uncomfortable feelings, flashbacks, and triggers serve as the bully who is grabbing you by the arm. Your first instinct is to pull away and resist because of the discomfort, which is only going to cause the symptoms to worsen and tighten their grip.
The surprise lean in
But, what if you lean in by directly observing these symptoms with a sense of curiosity rather than a sense of judgment? What if you ask the questions of thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and specific history that led to those specifics?
Finding the opening
The more you ask the questions and find the answers, the closer you get to that sweet spot of leverage called hope. The more attention you pay to any concept, the more you are able to notice. At first, the not so appealing parts are visible, but if you stay with the concept long enough, the not so bad parts become visible as well.
Breaking free
Once you start believing the hopeful parts and leaning more and more into them, you will notice that the restraining parts have lost their intensity and power. They no longer weigh so heavy on your shoulders and you're free to jump, run, and engage with life in a much more fluid motion. Future dreams start to pour into your mind, problem solving procedures start to move forward, and new experiences are finally able to be embraced.
In conclusion: Although it may seem counterintuitive, the faster and more persistently you lean into your symptoms and the root of them, in the company of a trained mental health therapist, the faster and more intensely you are going to be embracing the hope, insight, and helpful direction that lies beneath the surface and the faster you can believe each one. This and this alone can free you from the debilitating weight that is dragging you down, so you can embrace the new experiences life has for you with all the fluidity and freedom you desire.
Please let me know your thoughts. The link below will take you to the blog where you may leave me a comment at the bottom of the page.
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Mistakes as Bolsters:
Mistakes can be expensive, shameful, debilitating, and a pain in the you know where. They can leave us stuck against a wall of negative self talk between our present and envisioned self. The wall can feel impenetrable, impassable, and so heavy that it is crushing our very soul. Where do we go from here? How do we get out from under this powerful and seemingly all encompassing force? What if I told you an analogy that could help you consider mistakes not only as palatable but as engaging supporters and instigators of enlightenment?
The analogy has to do with a climbing wall. In order to climb, you need a rope and harness for attachment to the wall and hand and foot holds as opportunities for lift. Imagine the top of the wall as the best version of yourself and the bottom of the wall as your current location.
Imagine the stinging pain of a 15,000 dollar mistake. The immense level of discomfort serves as the rope and harness that get your attention and draw you into the experience, begging the question of what went wrong.
Once you find out what went wrong, the lesson serves as the hand and foot holds that support you. Your comprehension of the lesson in your brain serves as finding your grip and footing.
Your application of the lesson the next time the situation arises is your use of muscles in order to raise yourself to a higher location. Once you have applied that lesson, you find yourself at a new level with a slightly more comprehensive view of the world.
Questions: Answer the questions below to document your unique climb.
Your specific wall: What mistakes have you made in the past that have resulted in big uncomfortable feelings?
Rope and Harness: What feelings were they and how did they show up in your body, thoughts, and heart as well as in your outer world?
Foot and Handholds: Were you able to find out the reason for the mistake or any tips for the future given similar future situations? If so, what was the lesson? If not, pretend there was a lesson and guess what it was most likely to have been.
The Climb: How were you able to apply the lesson in future situations?
The New View: How did your view of both yourself and your world deepen or change when you were able to embody the lesson as part of your working life story?
In conclusion, mistakes may seem annoying and out to get us at first, but they have the potential to be engaging supporters and instigators of positive transformation. Notice any shift in your view of mistakes by considering the ideas above. What feelings, thoughts and future actions does this invoke? Feel free to let me know in the comments below.
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Forgiveness: The bearable exit from resentment
Do your past unfortunate events involve others betraying you? Is resentment your biggest uncomfortable emotion about this event? Do you find yourself asking “Why do they get to rule my life in this way?” or “How could they possibly sleep at night after what they have done?” Maybe you are thinking “I just want them to feel as uncomfortable as I feel right now to show them the depth of what they have done.” Maybe you know deep down that the anger is the one thing that is keeping you from healing and continuing to fully embrace what is left of the beauty you once had but you just can’t bring yourself to let go of it for the chance that the anger might be the only connection to this beauty that is left. Maybe you are afraid letting go of the anger would mean agreeing that the action was justified. Is there any other way past the rage? How are you supposed to let go of the anger when you know you will never condone such an action?
The good news is that in the instance of resentment, letting the anger go while simultaneously holding appropriate ethics and boundaries is totally possible so that you can be free to tend the garden of what is within those boundaries.
Your feelings are valid, honestly admitting and naming the feeling is the first step to managing it.
Once the anger is named and perhaps given properties such as shape, size, color, texture, temperature, and location, it is no longer only within you but it becomes tangible and manipulatable. It no longer consumes you but becomes a separate concept of its very own.
What is your anger trying to say to you? What meaning is it bringing to your life?
Anger often serves as a message of justice and proof that something has happened that was not okay. If this is the case, then you are totally valid in knowing and stating that this action will never be okay with you. You don’t have to be okay with the action in order to effectively address the anger.
What boundaries need to be in place to guard as much as possible against such things in the future?
How much distance and from whom or what actions do you need in order to feel safe in the future based on the answer to number three? What is going to be your method of implementing this boundary? Informing others, or an implicit expectation attached to a specific consequence?
Imagine those boundaries being in place in your mind, would you still need to hold on to the bitterness toward that person or can you trust the walls of the boundary you have set in place to hold the expectation and do the guarding while you relax enough to contemplate life in the absence of what you have lost?
What would this look like for you? What would the walls be made out of? How far away would they be? If the anger were to transfer from you to the walls, how would that happen? Would it oose out of your body like slime? Would it get washed away by the beauty that is left between the boundaries? What color, shape, or texture would the beauty take on? How would your body adjust to the absence of anger? Relaxed muscles, cooler body temperature?
Once you imagine relaxing within the walls of your firm boundaries, consider the beauty of what was. What parts of that beauty are you still able to connect with and be grateful for within your current context and situation?
This could be as simple as memories and being thankful for what was. It could also be taking what was and modifying it in a way that is applicable and unique to your situation. Is there a cause related to this event that you can work toward to prevent the situation for others? Do you now have something in common with a specific group of people with whom you can now connect on a deeper level than before?
In conclusion, after answering these questions, are you now able to imagine putting your energy toward gathering the beauty and gratefulness for what was to serve as a foundation for the next chapter of your life? Feel free to let me know thoughts, emotions, or meaning you received from this in the comments. I look forward to hearing from you!!
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The Fresh Eyes Effect
When our carefully made plans for our life are unfortunately ruined by things that are unexpected and out of our control, it can be devastating, heart wrenching, debilitating, and revolting to even think about. All you might want to do is just forget about the whole deal because it is too painful to even face. But you know that no matter how long you wait to address the issue, the wound still exists and is consistently at risk of festering, serving as a boundary between you and your best self if it isn’t addressed. How do we get unstuck from this dilemma? Is there any hope about the idea of pulling this dreadful thing back out?
The good news is there is hope and the best way I know how to help you see it is with a story about one of the rips in my plans as well as the result I experienced when I finally drug the issue back out to examine it with fresh eyes. This is followed by questions for you to answer about your own journey to help you notice where you are in the process of your own re-examining and perhaps gain insight on possible positive effects from considering the issue again with fresh eyes.
A story of my own
My big plan was to be able to test kids on an intellectual level, diagnose their unique learning style, and make a plan for them of how to proceed learning from that point. So, I went to graduate school to become a school psychologist. I was doing great at first and through most of the program, I thought.
But, just before I graduated, my professor looked at me and said, “Dana, there is this one skill that you just don’t have, so I can’t let you become a school psychologist.” That was my rip. Straight down the center of my heart, tearing my whole world into something I didn’t even recognize anymore.
I had no clue of how to proceed from this point and the pain was too thick of a wall to break through at the time. So, I set the whole thing aside and didn’t even work in the field for two whole years until I reached a point in my life when, even though I hated it, I really couldn’t ignore the issue financially or fulfillment wise any more.
So, I brought that broken plan back out and, with the support of my family and friends, I was able to look at it with fresh eyes. I was able to notice what was left and workable from that situation and I was eventually able to look at the holes again.
But when I looked at the holes this time, I was able to notice what was shining through the holes. For me, it was gratefulness for finding, through a process of elimination, what really actually worked better for the way my brain works and was still able to accomplish my goal of encouraging others.
I was able to see the lifetime of calamity and misery with myself that I was able to avoid in the long run by letting go of what I initially thought was the only path for me. I was able to look at the same thing that had once been so painful with a totally different and healing perspective. I was able to move beyond it with peace and fully embrace the path that was left and that was truly the right one for me.
So, here are some questions for you….
What was your big plan when you thought you had your whole life figured out?
What was the rip that tore it into something unrecognizable?
What were the feelings you experienced?
How did you choose to avoid the story and the feelings?
If something were able to provide you the courage or hope you needed to drag it back out, what would that be?
If there was still some of that plan intact, what would that be? What choices do you still have regarding this issue?
If there was insight that shone through the holes, what do you imagine them being?
In conclusion, take a moment to realize any shift you notice in your perception of the wrench that tore your original plan apart after considering these questions. On a scale of one to ten, how intense is the shift? Is it enough of a shift to make a change in action? I wonder what that action might be. Feel free to let me know in the comments below and sign up for my newsletter to receive my latest blog each week in your inbox.
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Mistakes: Past the Yuck and on to the Gems
Mistakes are often frustrating, shameful, annoying, time consuming, and the bane of our existence. This is the way I viewed them too with my whole heart for most of my life. If that is the way you look at mistakes, what if there was a secret that would help you sidestep all of those feelings and skip to the beauty, yes actual beauty and purpose of the mistake? The tips below can help you do just that and bring you even more into the person you were always meant to be.
First, I want to say that I am personally a very deep thinker and a lot of information overwhelms me because of my natural tendency to want to connect all the dots as well as my lack of understanding if I haven’t connected all the dots or don’t see the big picture yet. This was in no way congruent with the way teachers taught me, which was cold hard facts that I was expected to memorize and move on from. Nonetheless, I ultimately got overwhelmed and gave up in many subjects including and especially in Math.
The whole time I was telling myself I was stupid and slow when I really just needed more time to understand for myself the deeper connections between all the facts so that I could discern from that framework the answers to the questions. All I needed was to succumb to the beckoning of the uncomfortable feelings and look deeper in order to let the bigger picture appear.
Advocate for and give yourself time to stay in the moment with the challenging activity.
This would look like me asking the teacher for more time with a number line or spending more time with numbers myself, looking at it through many different modesThank the uncomfortable feelings for getting your attention that something needs to shift.
This alone lowers the intensity of the emotions so that you can see the situation more clearly.Imagine uncomfortable feelings floating off gently in a bubble.
This further disarms the uncomfortable feelings so much that they are hardly noticeable or completely gone.Pay attention to what is left by asking what new information you now know, given this
event. How has the big picture of the activity changed and have you noticed any new connections?
An example of this might be my discovery of a whole system of different problems that add up to 10, which helps me solve not only one problem but several problems at once.Knowing this, what specifically can you do differently in the future to make similar experiences
better?
An example of this might be me having a picture of the number systems on my desk for reference during Math.What do you know differently about yourself after looking at the activity in this light?
My answer in this situation may be that I’m actually not stupid but extra smart because I not only answered one question but several questions at once and I’m also resilient.
In conclusion, you are worth the time the uncomfortable feelings in the middle of a mistake are asking of you. They are actually enticing you deeper into the activity and drawing you under the surface where the connections between the dots reside in order to give you an even bigger, deeper, and more beautiful picture than you originally hoped.
Please let me know your thoughts by leaving me a comment.
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Engaging Gradually with Uncomfortable Feelings
Once you adjust to the idea from my last post about uncomfortable emotions having your back by being helpful messengers, how do we translate this idea into reality by tuning into our emotions and responding appropriately in real time without getting overwhelmed? The tips below help smooth the introduction between the rubber and the road as we learn to use our emotions as a compass in order to better our future.
The main idea of this whole process is that the transition can be a gradual one. It doesn’t have to nor should it be completed overnight.
First, try this process as an observer by using a story or movie as an example.
How is a specific character feeling in a specific situation? What is the need the emotion seems to be asking? Could the character meet this need him or herself? If not, what resources does the character need outside of him or herself?
Then, try this process as a facilitator.
This could be done by conversing with others about a need they might have, walking them through the three questions above or by making up a scenario in your head and walking a character through the three questions, making up your own answers.
When you observe or detect others’ needs, what do you notice in yourself when you see the needs being met?
Notice any shift on the inside when you notice others’ needs being met as well as any shift in your motivation to address your own needs.
The next step would be experiencing these three questions first hand.
Start by being present with just a small degree of uncomfortable emotion, maybe a 2 on a scale of 0 to 10, 10 being the most intense.
What is the emotion? What is the need the emotion is asking of you? Can you meet that need within yourself? If not, what resources are available outside yourself?
As you become comfortable with this process involving mild emotions, successfully accessing resources at appropriate times, then start engaging with the more distressing emotions, increasing by one or two points at a time on a ten point scale.
In conclusion, these are the steps to build your emotional muscles one step at a time, gradually building your tolerance in context and eventually in intensity. After observing these tips, take a moment to notice any shift in your resistance to engaging with or thinking about uncomfortable feelings and let me know in the comments. Feel free to come back to this list many times and be patient with yourself about your progress. Extend even more compassion to yourself by going at your own pace.
Benefits of online therapy vs. in person therapy:
Save money and time on transportation
Avoid having to ask off of work for extra transportation time
You get to choose your therapy environment, surrounding yourself with familiar and comfortable surroundings
The platform that is available allows us to be face to face, hear voice tone, and practice noticing and verbally communicating body sensations.
The platform is also HIPPA Compliant and ensures very little chance of personal information being leaked.
You can avoid having to tell anyone, even your family, that you are receiving services because you don’t have to reserve extra time and absence from your regular environment.
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Strain revisited: for length, freedom, and levity
Does the thought of addressing devastating events of your past ever seem like such painful and arduous work? Like it would only tighten and further damage the wound that was there in the first place, leaving even less room in your heart, mind, and body for freedom and enjoyment? Is there any other way to think about this concept and if so, how do we shift our thinking? I have an analogy that will allow for ideas of length, growth, and freedom when considering processing a past painful event.
Think about a muscle that is strained, like it is being worked so hard that there is risk of tightening and damage. What if that very word, strain, was perceived from a different viewpoint?
Now, think of the word strain as like a kitchen strainer that holds a solid while letting the unwanted excess wash away with water. The separation of what is wanted and what is unwanted, leaving you with only what is good and useful for your future.
Define the experience that may need processing.
What might need to be released or washed away regarding this experience?
For example, letting the shame, heartache, and regret wash awayDefine what might be worth keeping from that experience?
For example,the lessons from a hard experience such as wisdom, value of respect, and the ability to empathize with others.What would you most likely consider as your method of washing away the unwanted?
For example: with the flow of motion from EMDR vacillating eye movements, rhythmic walking, and or the encouragement from a supportive therapist during processing.
Following this process, the collected and recognized gifts and lessons serve as your newly purified and nimble muscles that support you on your journey toward your hopes and dreams. The extra room due to the recent cleaning now allows for not only strength but the freedom to move effortlessly and in a larger range of motion than was possible before the process began. Click the link to see all my blogs > https://www.flowingfountainlpcs.com/blog
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Digging Deeper into Emotions
After my last two posts, are you starting to get more of a sense about your unique self, learning more about your strengths, and starting to tap into the surface of some comfortable feelings? If so, are you hungry for more ways to dive deeper into the comfortable feelings and maybe dip your toe into a bit of the uncomfortable ones? If so, below are more ideas of how to stretch your awareness of your emotional landscape even further.
Ask these questions daily: two ups or something that was good and one challenging moment. Try to label each with a feeling that either you would imagine others might feel or you directly experienced in response to each situation.
Start considering how characters in stories, movies, and television shows might be feeling in various situations.
Objectify feelings based on your concept of each: color, shape, texture, temperature, smell, location in your body
Think of examples of thoughts that might apply to each feeling.
Guess typical somatic, or reactions in the body, people may have to each emotion before researching this online to see if you are correct.
Consider your specific direct somatic reactions to each feeling
In conclusion, after reading these ideas about stretching your awareness about your emotions, which seems the most intriguing? Do you notice any difference in your motivation to try a daily practice of checking in with them? Be sure to let me know your answers in the comments below and feel free to sign up for my newsletter by clicking the link > https://www.flowingfountainlpcs.com/news-letter
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Start with the good stuff!!
What if you sincerely believe that tuning into your emotions helps us function to our fullest in life but you are afraid that if you start feeling, you will be traumatized all over again or that the emotions will have no end and you won’t be able to complete daily tasks due to being consumed by your emotions? How do we find the balance between honoring our emotions and continuing our daily lives with a fairly decent head on our shoulders?
The answer is start with the good stuff. Starting with comfortable feelings provides a smooth entrance into checking in emotionally. It also provides a front loaded buffer that can serve as a lifeline for the less comfortable emotions when they are detected. Below are some ideas of how to tune into your strengths and positive memory networks that are unique to you and are already within you.
Resources:
Think of your unique super powers.
Examples of this may be a good listener, talented at dancing, cheering others up, a good sense of humor, curiosity, good work ethic, task completion, organization, athletic, artistic, musical….
Who are your people?
Who in your life gives you emotional support, cheers you up when you are down, listens to you, spends quality time with you, jokes with you, or generally makes you feel safe and loved just by being present with you?
Who do you admire?
What are some television, radio, or podcast characters or personalities that you either admire or look up to and what do you admire about them? Do you have this quality in common with them? Do you have a need for this quality within your life?
Who are people from real life or history that you admire? Again, why do you admire them? Do you have these qualities in common and or do they have qualities that they could share with you?
Community resources:
What are groups of people or places in your environment that you can easily relate to, seek help from, or with which you already participate in helpful activities? Examples could be churches, after school programs, enrichment programs,Boy/Girl scouts, Big Brother and Big Sister programs, soup kitchens, housing projects, Rotary and Lion’s clubs, arts and crafts groups, book clubs, youth groups...
Interests:
What activities do you like to do or are you gifted with? Examples could be sports, dancing, gymnastics, art, Math, Language, Science, crafts, cooking, teaching..
What inspires you?
What is the last time you were inspired? When was the last time you were in awe of something or couldn’t stop saying “wow!!” It could have been scenery that took your breath away, a beautiful painting, a touching scene in a movie, or the unity several members of an ensemble displayed during a performance.
Calm and safe place:
Where is the calmest and safest place you have ever been? Somewhere you felt at total peace with yourself and the world. A respite. What specific senses did you notice in this place? Sight, sounds, smells, touch- support of your weight, taste?
Favorite senses:
What are your favorite colors, textures, smells, tastes, sounds, and movements? Is there a reason why these are your favorite?
Your preferred connection vessel:
What mode do you most frequently notice, receive, or experience information? Are you more sensitive to the touch, to thoughts, or to emotions? which do you experience most?
In conclusion, Once you have answered some or all of the questions above, create symbolism of these by assigning them a color, shape, texture, temperature, and location. Try to create a physical representation of each of your answers and store them in a safe place you can access easily. This is your first mode of defense. They are always available even through the toughest emotions.
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Out of touch with emotions: Gathering Courage and Inspiration
Have you been out of touch with your own emotions so long that you notice nothing even when you try to tune in and have little hope of identifying your thoughts and feelings ever again? Is this keeping you from really connecting with your loved ones? Do you imagine these loved ones giving up on continued connection with you and moving on to other relationships in which emotions are equally shared and supported? Does this leave you feeling alone, isolated, stuck, and frustrated even when you are surrounded by others? Is there any hope for this situation? If so, how do you manage the frustration enough to continue tuning in even when you sense nothing at first?
The good news is that your feelings are very much present but the many years of neglect and lack of engagement with your feelings have resulted in a barrier between your consciousness and these feelings. Ignoring or internalizing your own emotions has probably come in handy for protection from added chaos and physical danger in the past. However, in a safe and functional environment, this behavior can serve as an obstacle from knowing and responding to needs that are vital in order to fully function and engage with life. Also, if this behavior is the way you have always dealt with emotions, it will require a persistent and conscious effort to change. How do we find the courage and determination to do this when it seems like such a daunting task?
Just the fact that you are noticing that something needs to change is in itself a feat of accomplishment. Many people who are affected this way never learn there is a more fulfilling way to live.
Consider the struggle you experience when you start tuning in as a stretched out hand from your distanced emotions begging you to engage more. As if your very awareness of your struggle is proof that you are going in the right direction.
You have probably not used this skill either ever or in a very long time, which only means it needs strengthening by consistent engagement, like an under used muscle experiencing soreness.
Just the act of noticing the lack of emotion as you attempt to tune in is a success because you are noticing something about yourself that you didn’t know before, even if it is only the magnitude of the lack of feeling you experience.
Commitment to the habit of checking in with yourself each day no matter the results for at least six months is more than half the battle.
Comparing your growing insights from one week or month to another will help you focus on your movement toward more genuine connection with yourself.
Come to your daily check in session with a spirit of curiosity rather than expectation. “I wonder what I will learn today” rather than, “I hope emotions show up this time.”
If these tips have inspired you, here are two choices of a daily check in you can do to increase your general awareness of emotions.
Choice 1: Look up three different emotion names (two comfortable and one uncomfortable) on the internet: which facial expressions match each emotion? Make up a situation in which someone might feel that way.
Choice 2: List two highlights and one struggle from your day: How did you know each was a struggle or a high light? Which pathway did you receive it from: body (sensations), heart (emotion), or mind (thoughts)?
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Managing your own energy on your own terms
Does it feel like your life is sometimes running you rather than the other way around? Are you running around like a chicken with your head cut off exerting energy in all sorts of random places depending on the current unexpected crisis at any given moment? Do you feel completely exhausted at the end of the day with nothing left to give to your family, friends, or nurturing activities for yourself? How did life turn into this never ending carnival of an environment? How do we get off the merry go round and become our own navigator?
First, what are your top three priorities in life?
Examples could be spirituality, family, specific message you want to send to the world, a hobby or skill you want to grow, a service you want to provide, physical health, relationships with friends…
Second, what time of day do you have the most optimal energy for each task?
People vary and are unique concerning the times of day they prefer to engage in different kinds of tasks. Some people are more creative in the morning but have physical energy in the afternoon or evening and others prefer to exercise in the morning but can concentrate well in the evening and prefer menial tasks in the afternoon. Knowing your particular rhythm is key to using your energy wisely.
Third, when in your day, is the most optimal time for rest in order to provide energy for your priorities and what does that look like?
For example, taking a nap, listening to a novel or podcast while you walk, spending time outside, making sure you get adequate sleep at night...
Maybe your different priorities naturally balance each other without need for a total halt in engagement with your core priorities. For example, spiritual exploration might be just the energizing resource you need for your other priority of service.
Fourth, schedule an ideal day that would coordinate your three most important priorities and needed rest with the time of day that you are the most primed for that specific type of energy.
Fifth, what changes are possible in your current schedule to more closely resemble your ideal schedule?
Maybe you need to go to sleep earlier at night in order to get enough sleep before waking in the morning for quiet time before the day begins. Maybe you reserve high concentration tasks for the afternoon rather than first thing in the morning when you are naturally more geared toward menial tasks as you wake up your mind.
Consider any long term goals such as change in work schedule, environment or in timing of social events that are needed so that your current circumstances more closely align with your ideal schedule.
In conclusion, after considering the above questions, I’m curious how differently you feel about your ability to manipulate your unique energy level to optimal use according to your specific priorities. Notice any change in your level of hope, optimism, and choice. after participating in the questions above.
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Transition: Making it your own with meaning
Are you going through a drastic and maybe traumatic change in your life? Maybe it is one that you chose in the end or maybe it was one that came into being unexpectedly. In any case, there are probably some benefits to this change. Your life may now be rid of yuck, irritating or debilitating details but also may be void of comforts such as others’ company and familiarity. It may be lonely at times, different, and possibly scary. This dichotomy can bring confusion and emotional turmoil at times. The questions below can help you make meaning, purpose, and a future direction in the midst of this contradicting information.
1. What are the parts of your previous situation you are glad to be rid of? If you chose this change, what were the deal breakers? What made that situation not work anymore?
2. Celebrate the void of these details in your favorite way to celebrate. Have a dance party, invite others to a walkathon, send them up in a balloon and release them into the sky, write them down and burn them. You choose!!
3. Take each of these and ask, so what did I learn that is important to me about my future?
4. If you could reconstruct it any way you wanted, based on these learning points and your wildest dreams, what would this area of your life look like? The sky's the limit. Challenge yourself to write down at least twenty different details. Examples of different areas of your life are below.
personal, professional, environment, relationships
5. What is the first step you can take today? Make an appointment in your calendar with yourself to do that thing and perhaps a consistent part of your week that you dedicate routinely to constructing this part of your life as close to ideally as possible.
6. Remember to approach this area with a sense of curiosity and an openness to learn from experience rather than from a place of self-judgment. It will unfold as it is supposed to in its own perfect timing as long as you are consistent with your attention to it.
In conclusion, even though they are sometimes confusing and painful, transitions can also be new beginnings and a chance to intentionally create the future of your choosing. Feel free to let me know how these tips have inspired you and helped your journey toward the future of your dreams by commenting or emailing me at flowingfountainlpcs@gmail.com.
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Meditation: Embodying the unanimous decision of all of your parts
Have you found your thoughts and emotions at odds with each other lately? As if part of you wants the very thing that another part of you can’t even tolerate? Perhaps your mind knows that quitting smoking is a must if you want to live past 60 years old but your body continues the habit without missing a beat. After you follow the steps in the last post about considering the specific ways each part is trying to help and protect you followed by the parts finding a unanimous decision of agreement, what is your number of confidence on a scale of 0 to 10, one being no confidence and ten being full confidence, that your can carry through with this plan in real life? If it isn’t quite a 10 yet, here is a meditation on further solidifying the alignment between your body, mind, and all your parts concerning this agreement.
If the combined efforts of all of the parts to show compassion for each other and come to a unanimous agreement about this decision, what color, texture, temperature, shape would it take on? Where would it live in your body? Once you have answered those questions, imagine this image as long as you wish.
Ask yourself if your body or behavior were to make contact with or engage with this object, what would that look like? Imagine this happening.
Ask yourself if all of me was aligned to this concept, what behavior would be different and in what context?
Play a video of this happening in your mind. Notice any difference in your body as a result of imagining this.
Now, think of something happening within this scenario that would temporarily set you off course, perhaps something you are worried might happen even if you were aligned with what you knew to be true. How would you like to respond if you were set off course in this way?
Play a video in your head of this happening and notice any change in your body in response to imagining this.
Now, rate your current level of stress about the original topic compared to before you did this exercise. I hope you experience a vast contrast.
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Anxiety: The disconnect between mind and body.
Isn’t it true that when you are anxious about something, there is an incongruence between what you have decided is best and your current ability to follow through with that idea?
Like when you know the rules but find yourself breaking them and being nervous about getting caught. Or when you know you have studied as much as possible for the test and that you will probably do fine but your heart continues to race as you anticipate taking the test. Or when you know a certain trigger normally has nothing to do with the danger you associate it with but your body panics in response to it every single time. Or you know the chances of you having a panic attack are less than probable in a certain situation especially with the precautions you are taking but your body continues to dread the environments and activities in which you have experienced them.
Why is there this disconnect? How do we find a decision that works for all of our parts, aligning our bodies, patterns of behavior, and our minds as a comprehensive whole?
Sometimes our logical minds know some things to be true but our nervous system hasn’t quite come on board yet. It is also very normal for parts of ourselves to think differently than other parts about a specific issue. The tips below are possible ways to help the mind and body join in order to lower anxiety.
List out your specific discrepancy.
What is your logical mind saying compared to how you are acting or what your body is saying? Are there any other parts of you that have a third or fourth opinion?
For example:
You find yourself very anxious about a presentation at work. Part of (Encouraged) feels drawn and inspired by the material and excited to share with your coworkers. Another part of you (Unworthy) says “Who am I kidding? There is no way I am worthy to teach my coworkers anything”. ” Another part (Embarrassed) says, “I’m so afraid I’ll embarrass myself in some small stupid way during my talk and be the laughing stock of the whole company.”Where did each of these voices originate?
For example:
Encouraged may have originated from a supportive relationship you had with an elementary teacher who saw your strengths clearly and engaged you in stretching but validating activities.
Unworthy might have originated from your interactions with your self-centered ex-husband who felt the need to put you down in order to feel like he was important.
Embarrassment might have evolved at the age of six when you tripped and fell in front of the whole school at your first assembly as you were walking to receive the perfect attendance reward.What is the specific motivation of each voice?
For example:
Encouraged might be motivated to help you engage the activities you feel passionate about, strengthen your skills in this topic, and share with others in this passion.
Unworthy might be motivated to guard you from being perceived as a know it all and setting yourself up for disappointment when you do not receive the credit and respect you are hoping to get.
Embarrassed might be motivated by keeping you from an opportunity of exposure for fear of humiliationHow could each part provide compassion for each other? Is each part in itself functional in your current life experience? If not, how can other parts help them redirect?
For example:
Encouraged could acknowledge to both Unworthy and Embarrassed that they are seen and validated based on the experience in which they originated. And Unworthy and
Embarrassed could communicate to Encouraged that they will work on trusting Encouraged.
Encouraged might follow validation of the other parts with explaining that full avoidance of these opportunities is dysfunctional due to a lack of challenging and learning from mistakes so that growth can happen.
Embarrassed and Unworthy could both explain the need to address these concerns, which may result in time spent rehearsing the presentation in order to decrease the probability of mistakes.
Imagine that as a result of this conversation, all the parts were able to come to a unanimous decision about how to go forward concerning the presentation. Notice any shift in your body, your level of anxiety, and your prediction of how smoothly the presentation would be delivered. After imagining this, I wonder about your motivation to try this series of questions for yourself about your own anxiety.
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How to stop running from yourself: allowing the pause to behold the beauty
Has/have a past unfortunate event or events resulted in you avoiding time alone with your thoughts at all costs? As if you can’t trust or get to know yourself in fear of what you might have to face? Are you constantly seeking stimulation in order to avoid experiencing the uncomfortable emotions that you know await under the superficial layer you call your life? Does this leave you at the mercy of others to meet your basic emotional needs and exhausted from spending so much energy engaging with fun but ultimately empty activities? If so, how do we learn to be with ourselves again? How do we let ourselves relax and just exist without looking for something to fill every spare pocket of down time?
Give yourself permission to explore your feelings. Feelings always have an end and the only way out for good from the uncomfortable feelings is to experience them and move through them.
Under the surface of the uncomfortable feelings lies a beauty and wisdom that is uniquely yours, made for your unique interests, talents, way of processing, and mode of expression.
Unlike with others, you have control over the response you receive. You can choose to validate your own feelings, ask deeper questions on issues, and listen with a sense of curiosity and witness rather than with judgment.
The more time you spend with yourself, the more you will want to be with yourself, and the more depth of yourself there will be to explore.
After reading the above reasons for allowing yourself time and space, is avoiding the temporary emotional pain really worth missing guaranteed validation, depth for continual exploration, and possibly the best and most available support you will ever experience in regards to your emotional self? If you have decided that there is a chance your answer to the above question might be “no”, try the below exercise once a day for a week just to see if the benefits hold true for you.
Make time each day for a conversation with yourself. Start with asking yourself highs and lows from the day. Then try to match feelings to each event.
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Hope within a Cluster of Unfortunate Events
Have you found that initial unfortunate events are sometimes followed by more equally if not more intensely unfortunate events before the eventual evening out of circumstances? If so, does this leave you feeling more hopeless and disappointed about life’s events? As if some force in the world or in your life is trying to beat you down into a state of hopelessness and defeat? Is there any other way to look at the situation? How does one find hope if consecutive unfortunate events continue to happen?
Would you believe that some of the unfortunate events following the initial setbacks could actually be a good thing? Some of these may actually be a direct or indirect result of your body and mind’s attempt to protect you. Consider the analogy of a pendulum that swings so far to one side that it loses momentum and reverses direction with almost if not more intensity toward the opposite direction and eventually finds its way to a balanced center. This is somewhat like our body and mind’s response to trauma.
At first, our mind and body overcompensate for the original misstep, which results sometimes in us finding the extent of the opposite behavior. This often results in an equal if not worse unfortunate event to the other extreme, which leaves you realizing an intense need for balance in this area.
For example, a person who has had a traumatic near death experience with drowning may be extremely tempted to never swim again. However, this person may become aware of a needed balance in this area when they experience loneliness, jealousy, and a sense of being sub par when their peers are spending their summers at the pool in blissful weightlessness and company of their friends while you sit at home lonely and bored.
Also, a person who was involved in an intense car wreck may be tempted to never drive again but may realize that this decision handicaps their level of independence and self-actualization, leaving them feeling stuck and dependent on others with a low self-esteem
Also, a person who has been abused by loved ones may make the decision never to trust others again and turn to isolation, aggression, and self-fulfillment through false comforts such as food, screens, or drugs only to realize they are sad, angry, and alone all the time which makes them depressed and hopeless.
Identifying the actual scale on which we are compensating and being able to effectively process this event helps us find balance and center on this scale as soon as possible.
Make a list of your set back experiences.
How might your second or third set back be an overcompensation in response to your first set back?
Is there a theme of a behavioral area on which you seem to be going back and forth?
If so, given all your experiences, what seems to be an acceptable medium that would allow you to engage meaningfully with your life but would also create logical caution about this issue than you originally had?
Examples of areas where you might be vacillating include trust, physical safety,self-compassion, or relational boundaries between yourself and others.
In conclusion, two or more unfortunate events in your life may be evidence that you are learning from each of your experiences. Examining the answers to the above questions and successfully finding balance between the two extremes is more evidence that you continue learning and freeing yourself to live your best future life.
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Pandemic Specific Isolation:
Are you feeling disconnected due to the consequences of the pandemic? Maybe you are afraid to be in person with others due to the risk of getting the virus. Maybe your regular in person social event has disassembled due to the high risk of infection. Maybe you are needing an in person hug that is just not accessible due to your specific social changes in response to the pandemic. Maybe you have been out of touch with in person gatherings for so long that you have lost all hope of having any real and deep connections during this phase of reality.
The good news is that even if you are not comfortable being in person at all, there is still hope of continued connections. The following suggestions may open your mind to the choices you have based on your unique level of comfort.
1) Ask yourself, “What are ways that I feel comfortable connecting with others without the worry of spreading germs?”
Would this involve technology such as phone calls, emails, or video calls? Would you be comfortable doing drive by get togethers or outdoor gatherings? If so, would you prefer masks or no masks?
2) Ask yourself, “Who are the people I want to connect with?”
At the very least, make a list of the people you consider closest to you and keep this in a spot you regularly see so that this reminds you of the option for reaching out to them when you find yourself struggling with loneliness.
3) Make a list of your own interests and think about looking up interest groups online to see if there are zoom calls or online meetings happening with that particular interest in mind. In person examples are outdoor frisbee golf tournaments, group outdoor walk/runs. Know that whatever way you prefer to connect is possible and available if you make the effort to find it.
4) Whatever works, make a plan and a regular spot in your calendar for continued engagement. Even if it is only twice a month, make sure you are connecting in some way with others consistently because it is easy to fall out of touch with others and yourself without even realizing the need only to find you are all of a sudden drowning in sorrow or exploding with anger at the drop of a hat.
In conclusion, whatever the situation, there are ways. The key is believing you have the right to define what you want in relationships, followed by opening your eyes to the possibilities of making the connections by believing they are possible.
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Grief: Opportunities for Continued Connections after Loss:
Has one or more of your closest connections, someone you considered as part of the very fabric of your life, passed away recently? Do you see others who were close to these connections avoiding the subject of their very existence so much so that you feel guilty even mentioning their name in front of them? Do you feel pressured to do the same, exchanging the precious memories you spent with those connections in order to avoid the pain of admitting they are not a part of your life anymore? Is there any other way to deal with loss? To honor some of the most beautiful memories and parts of you that were inspired by this person while continuing to have a whole and fruitful life?
The good news is there are many opportunities for incorporating continued honor and appreciation for your loved ones who have passed away within your current and future connections. You also have a choice of continuing to appreciate and honor the life and soul of this person independently of what others believe, say, or do.
Consider your Independent Beliefs:
Honestly, ask yourself what you believe happens to a soul after death and in what circumstances do certain things happen? Does the soul continue to exist at all? Why do you think the triggers of memories from these connections exist? What do you think is the most effective way to deal with them?
No matter your answers to the above questions, your answers are just as valid as anyone else’s and there are still aspects of connection that can continue to take place even if it is only within the parts of yourself that this person has inspired.
Reminders:
At the very least, the triggers and unexpected reminders of the life that has passed on is your brain trying to make sense of the past versus the present. They are part of a sorting process between what is meaningful and useful to put toward your future and what is better left behind. The most important thing to remember in these moments is that you and only you get to decide what comes with you and what is okay to leave behind.
Gratefulness:
Lots of times, one experience can have a mix of comfortable and uncomfortable feelings. The pain from the trigger is often an indicator of just how precious and wonderful the relationship was in your life. This can eventually be an opportunity to give thanks in whatever way you choose for the shared quality time you had with this person.
Bumps in the Road:
Challenges down the road or having to do with the sorting process can often be opportunities to look to the memory of this person as a source of wisdom, strength, or courage that you are needing in order to successfully move through to the other side. This might be in the form of visiting a memorial sight, writing a letter, simply talking to their soul or memory in your mind.
Anniversaries:
Anniversary of the death, birthdays, wedding anniversaries and many other significant annual reminders can also serve as times to reflect, honor, and remember the connection who has passed away. A possible way to do this might be to write or tell stories of your favorite memories of this person or to think about the parts of your character that this person inspired.
Carrying them Forward
Perhaps continuing and engaging in activities, skills, or parts of your character this person significantly affected could be a way to not only continue connection with this person but continue sharing the important parts of this person with more of the world.
Significant Future Life Events:
Another way to continue connecting with people who have passed away is to make a list of future significant life events such as weddings, anniversaries, graduations, and other important landmarks in your life and contemplate ways to incorporate their memory into the celebration so that there is a preconceived continued connection with this person for many years to come.
In conclusion:
No matter how others around you are reacting and no matter what you believe about what happens to a person after death, there are plenty of opportunities to incorporate this person’s connection with you into your current and future life. The best part is that you get to decide exactly what that looks like for you.
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Making Connections Part 3 Continued: What if they reject me?
What if what you want for your future relationships aligns more with one of your historical rivals than it does with your current connections and you risk alienation on both sides by reaching out to the other entity? What do you do with the fear of total alienation?
Gradual is the name of the game:
The transition doesn’t have to and probably won’t be an absolute and immediate process. There are different levels of intimacy that will be appropriate at different levels of the transition. For example, intimacy levels between yourself and the two groups will decrease with your current connections and increase with your future connections gradually as more release and trust take place within each group. Just as you had to re-evaluate your situation, each person in the two groups will need time to process this change in your actions. Respect for others’ time to themselves will be key in their ability to trust you.
Where to put your focus:
In the meantime, take time to ground more in your own values by taking note of your emotional experiences at each stage of transition and weighing these against the core values you set at the beginning of this journey. Most importantly, make sure for yourself that the shift you are making is in congruence with the values you want for your future.
No matter what, you are on your way to satisfaction:
If the people who share your values really hold those values to be true, chances are they will accept you fully. However, if they do not, it leaves room in your life for others who truly will share your unique values. Also, there is a chance that through modeling your values, some of your current connections will begin to share your values and begin connections of their own with the “others” along with you.
In Conclusion:
No matter what group you are associated with, there is always the possibility for change in connections independent of the ideas, actions, and beliefs of those around you. Also, your changes in belief, attitude, and actions does not guarantee you will lose all or any connections. The only thing that will absolutely change is your satisfaction with your emotional and social environment.
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Making Connections Part 3: Setting yourself apart and setting the record straight
As you re-evaluate what you want in future relationships, do you find yourself resonating more with the values of some traditional rivals? For example, after being loyal to your company by only focusing on performance for the last decade, you may be opening your mind to the concept of learning from your mistakes like your rival company has been doing for the last three years. Or after shunning a particular branch of your family tree all your life due to a historical family feud, you may be beginning to agree more with the values of that branch of family more than your own.
Is it even possible to begin interacting with these “others” after so much separation and division has taken part? How do you break ingrained and habitual actions and connections that were such a part of your identity for so long? Will these “others” even accept or believe who you are now and who you want to become?
Courage through a consistent mindset:
Habits are sometimes hard to break but the key is keeping the list of values you hold dear for your future in the forefront of your mind. Maybe check in with the list each morning as a grounding exercise. Is comfort in the present worth giving up on the relationships of your dreams?
Meet your current connections where they are:
Let your current connections know you understand if the change in you creates stress for them and that it may seem like you are being disloyal by attempting to connect with others who have different views. Let them know that you continue to respect them as human beings and have appreciated their past company as well as any other qualities you continue to admire. Consider honestly answering any questions they have about the change in your behavior. This may provide more information for them on the subject of difference and give them the same opportunity you are taking to breach the gap between the two groups.
Meet the “others” where they are:
Let them know you realize it may be a shock to them that you are reaching out to them and that you understand this. Communicate clearly what you value from what you have witnessed them do, say, and treat others. Speak on behalf of yourself and no one else. As for references to your current and past connections, make sure to let them know you represent your values only and can not provide any information on where anyone else stands but you. Consider answering any questions they may have with honesty and respect for everyone involved as if both groups were hearing your words. To be continued…..
Making Connections Part 2:
Is what you are looking for in your future relationships vastly different than your current and past connections? If so, does this leave you feeling like you are stuck between a rock and a hard place? As if you have to choose between letting down your current and past connections or having the relationships of your dreams? If so, is there any way out of this conflict and how do we get there?
The good news is this: No matter your history or circumstances, you are capable of making your own connection choices independently of others’ actions and beliefs. Also, it doesn’t have to be an either or situation. Consider the example below:
One of your friends is saying disrespectful things about another of your good friends, trying to persuade you to have the same mindset.
In this situation, an I statement expressing how the situation is making you feel could be a good way to take back your authority to make your own choices as well as request your preference for a respectful environment.
This might sound like: “I feel angry and pressured to choose between two people I value when you say mean things about my friend. I want you to stop saying these things in front of me.”It is also possible after communicating your I statement to embody what you admire in relationships and be the difference you want to see in your connections. For example, if your values include respect, loyalty, and commitment, the statement below might be appropriate.
“I want you to know that I still value time with both of you and I have no intention of lowering my respect or adoration for either of you due to uncomfortable feelings you may have toward each other. “ Therefore, this extends the possibility of the two parties who have disagreed to consider reconciliation.
In this way, you are setting an example and being an advocate for the kind of social environment that you desire and you are hopefully encouraging others to join you in these actions.Sometimes the best way to deepen an existing relationship is to reveal more of yourself, even and especially when you know it is a point of difference between yourself and the other person. This provides a shared experience of struggle and attempt at reconciliation as well as more information and a more educated choice about the subject of discussion for both of you. However, even if your nonconformity does result in a lost connection, it would result in your present and future connections aligning even more with your initial intentions.
Finally, remember there are different levels of connection that may be appropriate for different people in your life. So, even if you realize this deep of a discussion may not be effective with this particular person, this does not mean all interaction with this person is over.
For example: Attending the group gatherings and sticking with surface level topics may be appropriate for future interactions with this person, but a deeper one on one discussion might be better reserved for those who meet most if not all the values you are looking for in future connections.
In conclusion, the steps above create a more creative and peaceful way to state and embody your boundaries and values while encouraging this from others as well. With the help of positive communication and careful consideration of what conversations are appropriate with whom, you can free yourself from fear of offending, opening yourself to the relationships of your dreams while also encouraging this in your current connections.
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Making Connections Part 1:
Have past incidents left you seemingly without relational ties? As if you are desperately grasping for a last thread of connection before your sense of yourself gets lost in nothingness? Maybe it has been a result of social distancing. Maybe the most significant people in your life have decided not to interact with each other, leaving you caught in between. Maybe some of your most important connections have passed away. Maybe genuine and consistent emotional connection was never modeled for you as a child. Whatever the case, is it possible to find connection even when it seems not to exist and if so, how do we do this?
First, ask yourself what you are looking for in connections.
Where was I hurt before in relationships? For example: Think of the two or three most disruptive things you say to yourself. Where did this idea come from? What significant source of influence contributed the most to this statement? A particular relationship, a particular incident, a particular teacher or role model, institutional norm, a particular system or cultural norm within your family...
What value or lack of value does each statement represent? For example; Respect, patience, valuing others, honesty, empathy, humor, show of affection, enthusiasm, vibrance for life, emotional support, recognition of strengths, trust
Which of the values from the question above are important to be included in your future relationships? For example, if you have been negatively affected by verbal disrespect in the past, maybe you would include verbal respect in the list of wanted values in future relationships.
Do the people and groups of potential connections you are considering meet these qualifications? If the answer is “no”, maybe consider other options but if so, continue to proceed with plans to connect.
Possibly the most important step is to believe that no matter what, the possibility of the values you have chosen coming to life and eventually surrounding you through connection with others is totally achievable.
To be continued….
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The light:
Sometimes difficult experiences can be so devastating and uprooting that they leave us floundering around in the dark with no sense of direction. We have no clue even if we are right side up or upside down. We don’t know what direction any move is going to take us much less if it is going to get us closer to where we want to be. Sometimes during these dark seasons, we take directions that initially seem like relief but are followed up by even more damage than we originally experienced. How does a person ever get away from the labyrinth of shadows? How do we find our footing, goals, and direction when we are so out of touch with any sort of orientation?
I have seven thought provoking questions and tips to help you engage with one kind of surrounding at a time until more and more of the rest of your life reveals itself.
Ask yourself “what is my most imminent and basic need right now in the moment?” This could be as simple as having to go to the restroom, needing a drink of water, fresh air, or warmth.
Ask yourself “what have I tried to meet this need that has been successful without negative consequences or is preferred over other options?” It could be as simple as going to the back porch rather than the front porch for fresh air because the view is more pleasant.
Consider the answer to this question as the tiniest light in an otherwise pitch black midnight sky. Just as our eyes are naturally drawn to the light, just let your gaze or attention rest on, take respite in, engage with this method of meeting the simple need without having to worry about a negative consequence from making this move. Stay with the gratefulness of this need being met for as long as you like.
Begin to challenge yourself to find one newly recognized need that has been met each day while taking the time to consider the lights you have already acknowledged. Give each new light each day the same amount of appreciation and gratefulness, taking respite to the fullest in every sense of this met need (touch, smell, taste, sight, and sound).
Notice over time the growth in the number of small lights and the gradual change of the big picture from mostly dark to dim to lighter and lighter. Notice the increasing frequency of two lights joining to make a bigger light.
Begin to lean into a trust that the joining of the lights will soon begin to construct a collective picture that makes perfect sense and that the next needed lights will appear in just the right time when you become ready to engage with them.
Know that even though you don’t have the whole picture yet, you are well on your way and that the joy is in embracing what is working and the excited wonder of what will appear next.
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Yarn, one strand at a time:
Do you ever feel like there are so many parts to your painful experience that thinking about processing it just seems so overwhelming, resulting in you avoiding the idea altogether? If so, does it ever leave you wondering when you can ever get off this roller coaster of unpredictable emotions, thoughts, and behaviors based on the triggers you might encounter on any given day? If so, I have an analogy that might be helpful to consider.
Your past dark experience can often seem like a ball of disorganized yarn with strings that go in and out of each other in no predictable pattern, which is likely to be frustrating when the goal is to knit a piece of clothing without have to stop every few minutes in order to untangle just enough to knit one more row. This kind of process can shed a dark shade of doom on the whole project for even the most avid knitter.
This is often how we respond to emotional damage from past scarring events. We only take the time to untangle the parts of the symptoms that are in the way of functioning in the now and save the rest for later, knowing there will be a big heap of mess to clean up farther down the line but letting ourselves forget about it until we run into the next rat’s nest of a symptom that holds us back from growing further.
What if we go ahead and accept a total pause in progress on the project and give each strand the adequate attention that it is asking for, letting it show us in its own time how it connects to another area of the mass as we join it in the journey of retracing its steps with a sense of curiosity rather than dread or frustration? From a perspective of curiosity and genuine presence, we then are able to discern the exact move to make in order to untangle the next strand or heal the next wound in our heart.
Eventually, we realize we are almost through all the tangles and it seems like it hasn’t taken nearly as long as we thought because we were so engrossed and fulfilled by the story and new perspective the threads have taught us along the way. Once the thread is completely devoid of tangles, you can now start and complete the scarf in record time with a much more satisfied and lighter outlook. Not only is giving your wounds time and space to show you insights not retroactive but it is the best way to propel you forward toward the rest of your life.
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Retro I statements:
Are there events of your life that seem to stagnate a part of your character within that specific time frame? Maybe it dwarfed your sense of innate inner beauty, sense of worthiness for respect, your belief that you could ever enjoy true love again, or that you will ever be able to thrive in a career without fear that you made a serious mistake without even knowing. Whatever it is, how do we get back the ability and freedom to grow in that area past the developmental level at which the event happened? Is that even possible?
Maybe we come across one of these spots in our lives perhaps during spring cleaning or when connecting with old friends. The event in reality is so long ago but your heart becomes very tender when remembering what happened. We may find ourselves grieving for what was lost during that long ago situation just like it happened yesterday. What if I told you there was a trick to help you liberate that resistance of growth?
First, ask yourself, if you had your present day mind during this specific event, what words would you have used with the person involved in the situation? Then, put them in the form of an I statement, which is, “I feel _________ when you __________. I want you to _________. “
Questions to help you formulate this are below. Feel free to write as much as you need for each question.
What was the most painful thing that happened?
How did you feel?
What action would you have appreciated the person changing in the immediate future in order to have a functional relationship and how would you prefer they would have done this?
An example might be:
“I feel devalued and disrespected when I go out of my way to make myself available to you and you respond by spending most of that time engaging in activities without me. I want you to welcome me into your life by inviting me into some of these activities. I would like you to show me in your own way that our time together is important.”After it is formulated, try speaking it out loud if only to yourself and notice any shift including relief, freedom for the emotions to finally flow, and validation within yourself.
Ask yourself if there are any emotional needs left. If so, ask yourself resources you have within yourself or in your immediate environment that can meet those needs and put them to use as needed.
Finally, what is a specific way you can use this form of communication in the present and future? How will your life and relationships be transformed by the use of this statement?
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Speaking your truth:
Have you ever felt pressured by authority figures or people of higher social status to do something that literally grated against your values? For example having to choose between your ethics versus a job or academic success? How do we advocate for ourselves in that position? What if I told you there is a way to keep integrity without disrespecting others or costing yourself hardship?
Start with the concept of an iceberg that sticks out of the water. All that can be seen is the very tip but there is so much more of the object that is not visible but that is very much present and serves as a base for the tip that is visible. Yours and others’ behaviors are like the tip of the iceberg. There is so much more to the picture than just the action such as thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and motives. Different people could make the same action due to very different thoughts, feelings, beliefs and motives. It is under the surface of our actions that the meaning and color of life really lies.
Therefore, bringing what is going on below the surface that is leading you to a certain action can add so much more to the picture for others and can result in a very different viewpoint than others might be concluding if they observe actions without knowing what is under the surface.
Take the example of your boss asking that you focus on nothing but the end goal of a quickly constructed perfect looking result while your natural intention is to thoughtfully and methodically test and adjust according to the actual functionality of the result. Without explanation of your reasoning about why you comply with his request, your boss may conclude that you are complying because you only aim to please.
However, if you speak your mind, making the statement “I feel rushed and cheap when you encourage me to focus on the end result rather than give myself and this company a chance to improve on a regular basis by taking the time to test functionality. However, because you are my boss and I have a survival need to keep my job at the moment, I will follow your orders.” This gives you a chance to express your disagreement without being disrespectful or defiant but also presents your boss with the possibility of improvement in the future.
By the same token, your boss responding to the statement only by thanking you for granting the request could be interpreted by you as that he does not care about your aim for improvement. However, just the fact that you said the idea in your boss’s presence makes an impression underneath the surface. Think of not only your mention of improvement but your modeling of a deeper and richer way of communicating as an offer of opportunity like a seed floating in the wind. If the seed was never present at all, there would be zero chance of it taking root and growing to the surface as an outcome. Even if you never see these come to fruition in this specific person, the opportunity will remain for a lifetime.
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A deeper you
Have you ever felt like you are defined by your actions and what you imagine people observe from the outside? As if you base your worth only on your performance or outer success? If so, I have an analogy that might help you discover the deeper more beautiful you that you are struggling to realize.
Take the concept of an iceberg that sticks out of the water. All that can be seen is the very tip. However, there is so much more of the object that is not visible but that is very much present, serving as the base for the tip that is visible. Yours and others’ behaviors are like the tip of the iceberg.
There is so much more happening under the surface where the eye cannot always see. Motives, thoughts, feelings, and potential are the real meat of what is happening and the true color of life. Once these are added to your awareness, your self-concept becomes so much more rich, alive, and vibrant.
Imagine that you took the time each day to answer the questions of motive, thought, feeling, and potential concerning just one of your actions. For example, say you made a specific mistake. On the surface just looking at that mistake might make you conclude all kinds of negative thoughts about yourself.
However, if you consider that your thoughts were scattered by your anxious but hopeful feelings because of your deep seated belief that you are flawed at the activity despite your great interest in the activity. You might discover your true motive in attempting this activity was to prove to yourself you could do this. With this new depth of added dimension and understanding of yourself you might be able to consider a potential for change in all of these areas. You might notice a need for more belief in your ability and the possibility of improving from each experience, no matter the initial surface outcome. This way, instead of a surface conclusion that you are not good at this activity, you will end up with self-compassion and a new freedom of room to grow and to approach life with curiosity rather than self-judgment.
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The cost of freedom:
You have learned about the freedom of starting to turn toward your dark past, of naming your feelings as you start to do so, and softening further with analogies and motivation. However, something is still holding you back from letting go completely from your pain. It seems like adding more light and hope to your past memories would be blinding or too good to be true. Here are some questions that can help.
Imagine your life devoid of the baggage that seems to be weighing you down and holding you back from your goals, free of the issues that seem to continue to surface when embarking on new and exciting adventures. If you really did emotionally let go of the bad thing that happened, what do you see yourself losing? What would you grieve? For some, it is part of their identity, for others it is a connection with others who are hurting from the same experience, for others it might be the attention and sympathy they receive to make up for the bad thing that happened. What is it for you?
Now think of what you would be gaining. What opportunities would be within reach that you have never had the freedom of considering before? What have you frequently longed for that would suddenly be doable? What relationships would be open for healing or fostering that were off limits or impossible before? What activities or people would you now have the courage and tools to build healthy boundaries against?
Now, compare the pros and cons in your heart of hearts. In the end, is the loss worth the gain?
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Validation: The power of permission
I have been studying the effect that validation of and conversation about one’s feelings has on the individual and have intellectually agreed that this had positive effects for many years. I even experienced first hand the immense relief I felt when my own feelings were validated by others. However, I have never in my life experienced the amount of confirmation about this being a core purpose of my existence as when I got to be the validation and sounding board for my own child in the midst of his shame.
I’m acutely aware that my son has inherited my innate emotional sensitivity. Feelings are very big for us. One minute my son will be balling on the stairs because the effort to climb them seems overwhelming and the next he will be bounding up them asking with vigor for his father to play legos with him. I have helped him talk out his feelings of anger and sadness which lead to different coping skills depending on the feeling.
However, something so amazingly freeing happened in my soul when I was able to help him through shame, which has been the most prominent uncomfortable feeling in my life ever since I can remember thanks to a unique learning style and my exposure to splitting behavior early in my socialization. Somehow, I was never able to shake the sense that there was something wrong with me and that if others found out, I would never be accepted again. This ended up being a prison that deeply impacted my relationship with myself and the way I related to the world at large for most of my life.
On this particular night, my son had just made the decision not to eat all of his dinner of salad and meat which meant that he was foregoing dessert for the night. During the few minutes of clean up between dinner and dessert, it was evident he could feel the pressure of the consequence he chose intensifying as he pointed his sword toward me, screaming as he jumped off the coffee table in the posture of a venomous villain.
In true feelings advocate nature, I asked him if he was angry and he admitted he was. When I asked him why he felt angry, he had the chance and the emotional intelligence to say that he wished he had eaten all his dinner so that he could have some dessert. I countered by suggesting he was mad at himself for making the choice. He then agreed he was mad at himself. I then told him that being mad at himself is okay and even helpful because it is a signal that some action needs to change in the future to make life better.
Immediately, his demeanor changed from down trodden and long faced to smiling, jumping, and sharing with his father exactly how he was feeling, especially that he was not mad at his father. When his father responded by thanking him for naming his feelings and encouraging him to focus on future opportunities to be nicer to himself; life and freedom poured from my son’s body as evidenced by further jumping, running, laughter, and hugs. After the fact, my son has gathered the courage to ask his father directly “are you happy with me?”
No other experience than teaching the resource of tuning into feelings, sharing them with others, and learning from mistakes with my own son could give me such a rich reward of watching that influence free his very soul with the courage to initiate feelings conversations with those he loves in the future. Not only is he more sure and confident in himself but he is also more able to connect with others in an effective and healthy way.
This in turn is such an encouragement for me to do the same with the rest of the life that I have on this earth. Just because I spent most of my formative years in a self-proclaimed prison of self-depletion and distance from others does not mean I can’t honor and express my feelings as well as connect with others about their feelings as well. Both my son and I are continuing on life’s journey with gained confidence and ability to relate to others due to one conversation of feelings
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Making the Ugly Approachable:
Something seemingly unmentionable has happened to you. It is the bane of your existence, the thing you most intensely wish would be permanently deleted from your history. But try as you may, nothing works at erasing the memory or the effects you are experiencing as a result of the event. This leaves your emotional horizon in a dark, cold, and hopeless place. In your head, you know the only way out of this emotional prison is to face the root event. But you just want to throw up, curse yourself up one side and down the other, or go into a complete panic attack when you consider approaching the subject.
What do you do with this? How do you get to a place where you can even begin to do the work that you know is so vital to the quality of the rest of your life? I have an idea that might be beneficial in smoothing the entranceway and threshold to the room of your dark past.
Think of the event from your past as a visible object by identifying the color, shape, texture, and temperature. Feel free to draw this and set it somewhere out of vision but where you can access it later.
Ask yourself: If anything whatsoever came out of this situation that might have been even a slight bit helpful, what would it be? Write this down and sit with it, giving yourself the chance to think of anything else that might have been helpful out of the situation. Write down as many or as little as come to mind.
Now think of each of the concepts you just wrote down as individual visible objects with a color, shape, texture, and temperature of their own. Where would they live in your body?
Now imagine you are armed with these objects as you turn to face the original event from your past. How would these objects act to your benefit as you began to engage with the root event? Would they act as a shield of protection, strength, courage, or hope? Would they somehow lighten the emotional energy that usually weighs you down when this subject comes up?
Just notice and enjoy any sense of relief or comfort you experience, breathing in the chance of change and freedom you so desperately desire. This in itself is a huge accomplishment. Remember, you can go at your own pace and divulge information as slowly as needed.
Setbacks turned Opportunities
What happens when you experience a substantial set back doing the thing you feel like you were born to do? It may be that not as many people bought into your project as you had hoped by a certain deadline, or you lost a major resource that was keeping your mission afloat, or you made a huge money mistake, or you offended others without knowing you were doing it. Whatever the specific situation, it just seems like all your progress toward this goal just disappeared over night.
This leads to intense sadness, feelings of failure, frustration, and hopelessness. Perhaps you are tempted to just quit altogether even though this was the most joyous and purposeful project you have ever attempted. What do you do with these feelings?
First, go back to the reasons why you engaged in this activity in the first place. What drove you to start the process, what change were you trying to make in the world? What difference were you trying to contribute in order to make this world a better place? Write it down in a place you will see it often. Maybe on the mirror in your bathroom, on the dashboard of your car, on your refrigerator, or on your dresser. Maybe in all these places.
Second, Check in with yourself. Think of your unique characteristics that are true strengths and attributes to this purpose. Do you still have all these qualities? When you think about using them toward this specific purpose, do you still get the sense of expansion and excitement?
Third, if not, feel free to cut your losses and move on to bigger and better things. However, if so start with allotting a dedicated day, time block, and place to the project. Paste your reasons and purpose for the project in the place that you dedicate toward this activity. Begin by just spending time in this space and engaging with the activity for the allotted time without expectations of progress but with a spirit of curiosity. Like getting to know a long lost old friend.
Finally, be open to whatever occurs and note any lessons that come to light, attributing them to your next dedicated session with this activity. Whatever happens, be consistent with this appointment and trust that the next steps will arrive at the right time. The important thing is consistency and openness to possibilities.
Darkness
You have just experienced the devastation of losing the one part of your life that was such an integral fabric of your normal existence that you never even considered the chance of it not being there anymore. This may be a close loved one, the favor and admiration of a boss, teacher, or mentor, an important financial resource, or the health of your body. In an instant, your world changed from ease and brightness to darkness and intense emotional or physical pain. The timeline of life is now sharply severed by this unforeseen tragedy of an event.
Where do you go from here? Your body is desperately calling out for help but you don’t know exactly what is needed because that integral part of your life can no longer meet the need you so desperately have.
Here are some questions you can ask yourself that might be of some comfort.
Take notice of the physical support you are experiencing. What is literally holding your weight right now? Is it the floor for your feet, the chair for your back and buttocks, or the bed or carpet if you are lying down? Thank whatever it is for the support.
From wherever you are, what is the most pleasing object in the room? Stare at this for as long as you need to.
If there was someone left in this world whose presence could be comforting to you, who would it be? Reach out to them.
If there was any source of beauty that is still in this world, what would it be? Spend time with it.
If there was anything in this world to be grateful for in this moment, what would it be?
If you could choose a helpful thing that happened next concerning this dreadful situation, what would it be? What choices do you have now concerning the situation?
Breaking Through The Stillness....
Hi I'm Dana Hicks, combination Registered Yoga Teacher 200 and Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor. My specialty is women who have pulled themselves into safety and even growth from their trauma but for some reason have not yet reached the full potential they know they have inside. This blog is about validating the symptoms that accompany anxiety from a history of trauma and education about coping skills for the common symptoms.
First off, Trauma is when someone has experienced a life threatening experience or has perceived an event as life threatening and is regularly high jacked by random triggers into the past, experiencing the memories as if they were present in that the body and brain react in a flight or fight response in order to save a life.
This could be in the form of intrusive thoughts interrupting your day, having generalized negative thoughts or beliefs about your current world based on the unfortunate events, a consistent state of alertness that does not allow for learning anything new, avoidance of specific regular activities (consciously or subconsciously) due to their association with the dangerous event, and sometimes a general disconnect of perspective as if one is viewing themselves from outside of their body or from another person's point of view.
Essentially, the brain is stuck in emergency or life-saving mode, using all its energy to prevent or escape danger. This is a very helpful thing if there is a legitimate danger but it is a dysfunctional mode if there is no danger and the person is trying to learn new skills due to all the brain's energy being occupied with safety.
Therefore, it is understandable why adult women who have experienced trauma would be struggling to learn and use new skills toward a credible career as well as believing there is something wrong with their internal make up or that there is something essential for success that is missing when others who may not have experienced trauma are improving and succeeding at a much faster rate. It is also understandable why these women may sink into helplessness, hopelessness, and a sense of forced stagnancy that robs them of connection with significant others. If you resonate with this description, I want you to hear one message loud and clear: That missing piece you feel like you need to find is exactly where it is supposed to be inside you waiting for you to believe in it and trust that you already have within you everything you need to thrive toward your dreams. My passion is helping you notice and embrace it.