Negotiation Made Simple: from Women with Attention Deficit Disorder by Sari Solden

Negotiation.  What an intimidating word! It sounds like a skill mastered only by cops trying to talk criminals and potential suicide victims out of pulling the trigger and off the ledge.  Talk about high stakes! How are everyday people supposed to live up to those kinds of standards? On the other hand, if you have something you need, you also don’t want to present yourself like a groveling beggar to get that need met.  What if asking for what you need in a way that increases your chances of receiving it with your dignity intact was as easy as four simple steps?  

Four steps of Negotiation (Thanks to Sari Solden)

Common Ground:  Consider any shared motive or goal about the situation that both you and the other person have in common and or anything they may be doing that helps you, even if the help is unintentional on their part.  Make sure you can be as genuine as possible about appreciating this aspect and start your request by communicating that thanks.

An example might be that your extended family has planned a reunion for a long weekend two weeks after you’ve already booked a solid week of vacation at the beach with your nuclear family.  But,  you haven’t seen your long lost cousins who’ll be there for decades after spending precious childhood summers with them.  You really want to go on this long weekend.  

Something to find gratitude for from your boss, whom you’re contemplating asking for extra time off, could be “I so appreciate the week of paid time off you’ve allowed so I can devote undivided attention to self-care and be back to work as the best professional I can be. I’m really looking forward to getting that refreshment.”

Name the dysfunction:  State specifically how the originally named shared motive or help is missing its mark or has room for growth when it comes to actually reaching the goal/motive/help.  

Example: However, if I miss this long weekend with my extended family, I’m likely to be so distracted by knowing my family is out there having this once in a lifetime opportunity that I wouldn’t be able to do my best work, and I would be even more easily drained by the stress of trying but failing to compartmentalize that I may lose any ground gained on refreshment from my vacation.  

Suggest your solution: State your request as a possible solution to meet the need in a more functional way for both you and for the other person.  Make sure you think about any inconvenience your request being met might indirectly affect the other person and brainstorm your choices of accommodating any of the inconveniences to the best of your ability.  You can also invite the other person to present their own ideas about more functional solutions so it can be more of a team approach rather than a tug of war.  

Example: “My suggestion is that I take off for the long weekend after my week at the beach so I can be as refreshed as possible so I can hit the ground running in time to make up those additional hours by putting them toward that really important fall project you said would be all hands on deck.  Feel free to take some time to think it over and suggest other ideas you might have of what would work even better. “ 

Offer reciprocation: If your request is met, make sure to thank them for meeting the request and invite the other person to let you know any way you can reciprocate accommodation for them in the future.  This way, you’re letting them know your intent to continue a reciprocally helpful relationship and that you have helpful things to bring to the table too. 

Example: “Thank you so much for granting me this extra time off.  It is so appreciated, and I’m looking forward to coming back refreshed and ready to put my all into that fall project.  Please let me know anything else I could contribute in the future to ensure our company performs to the best of its ability.”  

To wrap up, asking for hard things can be a really nervy experience.  However, the steps above have hopefully gifted you with a template for framing it in an approachable, team oriented, and solution focused way so you can communicate your needs and be a valuable part of a bigger whole at the same time.