Our parts are working for our good: Conclusion: All three in concert

By now, we’ve reviewed each of our most common three parts in solo, but what does it look like when they all come together toward one goal?  Is that too complicated to even imagine?  Let’s try it out and see.  

Five steps toward captivation from the tapestry of all your parts

Define and personify the knee jerk reaction: What do you find yourself doing that feels better in the moment but backfires later?    If this action had a color, shape, texture, temperature, and place within your vicinity, what would it be? Draw the answers out.

Example: I yell at others when I’m annoyed.  It would be a puke green lightning bolt that’s hot to the touch and existed horizontally along my sternum.

Define its motive:  Now that it’s outside of you where you can see it, try assuming, at least for the duration of the exercise, that it is working for your good.  Under this assumption, ask it what its motive is in showing up during the particular situation in mind.  

Example: The yelling is working to inform others I have a choice in the matter and that I have had enough.  Therefore, it is advocating for my autonomy and the conservation of my energy.

Offer sincere gratitude and respite: Thank it for its specific motive, let it know that you recognize just how long and hard it is working for these motives and that you are touched at how passionately it's working on your behalf.   Then, since it is working so hard and it's probably tired, offer it a vacation anywhere it would like to go, and ask it details of what it would love to do, see, hear, and smell there.

Example: Thank you, puke green lightning bolt, for working so hard to make sure I have a choice and that my energy is being conserved.  I can see the amount of vigor you are putting toward both of these causes.  Thank you for putting this much effort toward helping me.  However, I think you deserve a rest.  If you could go anywhere in the world for vacation, where would you go?   Then, listen to all the sights, sounds, smells, and tastes he or she would experience there.  Keep listening until that part of you is very relaxed.

Validate and assign emotion to motive: Return to the motive and notice the emotion, if any, involved as it is contemplated apart from the original intensity and knee jerk reaction.  Ask the feeling what it needs, which often results in the same answer as the behavior’s motive.  

Example: autonomy and conservation of energy are obviously needed.  I notice a bit of anger lingering too.  The anger is asking for choice and time to think without input.  

Words of wisdom from parent self: What words would the inner parent have toward the concern?   How can the need be met effectively and functionally in the here and now?

Ex: Your need for a choice about what you are being assigned is valid and understandable.  So is your need for quiet to yourself in order to make sense of the requests that have already been made.  You are worthy of these needs being met, and you’re allowed to make the need known.  Lets think of some words we could use to respectfully advocate for this.  How about an I statement “ I feel angry when you make so many requests so fast.  I would like you to make one request at a time and wait until I respond before you make another request or give me ample time to respond to a small group of requests before adding more.”  

To wrap up, combining all three parts at one time can seem overwhelming at first.  However, I hope the examples above have helped you picture just how well they can meld together, each doing its unique part toward a valid, supported, and functional end.