Are the ups worth the downs: Part 2: What’s their trouble?
Last time we discussed getting clear on our own perspective when we meet someone who fits all our original standards for a trustworthy person but has an unexpected disturbing behavior. But, what about approaching the situation from that person’s perspective? How do you do such a thing, and what information, if any, would that give you toward solving the problem? Let’s experiment.
Where’s their trouble? : 5 steps of empathy toward possible solutions.
If you were them: Pretend for the next few minutes you have suddenly taken on the life of this other person. Based on what you know about this person, name the things about your newly acquired (other person’s real) self that would be different from your actual self.
Ex: dynamics between myself and my parents would be tension-filled at best, my favorite response to problems is to look on the bright side and sweep the rest under the rug, I share an unreliable car with my roommate, so I don’t always have a reliable mode of transportation. I work unpredictable hours.
What happens before and after? Consider any patterns of what happens before and after this specific behavior.
Ex: I usually get ghosted right after my friend interacts with his mom. It usually takes anywhere from a couple days to a week for my friend to get back in touch, pretending like everything is hunky dory.
What’s the reward? From this perspective, consider what the person may be getting or looking for by displaying the behavior.
Ex: My friend may be getting time to themselves for the uncomfortable feelings to wear off without risk of embarrassment, others getting hurt or repelled by my friend’s release of uncomfortable emotions.
Brainstorm reward replacements: What else could meet that need that may be less problematic for them and for your relationship with them?
Ex: Perhaps, instead of just shaking off the uncomfortable feelings after each interaction with their mother, the friend could seek individual or familial therapy addressing the dysfunction and needed assertive skills for preventing the emotional damage.
Name needed adjustments: What adjustments might be needed to make this happen?
Ex: My friend would have to admit they need help, find time, access, and an adequate therapist for regular sessions, and ask for assistance from a therapist.
To wrap up. temporarily taking on the other person’s perspective can lead directly to the most probable reason behind the disruptive behavior, which then gives you clues to the most functional and sustainable replacements that meet the root need without creating additional problems, including their relationship with you. Stay tuned for next time on how to decide if and to what degree you are up for helping them make the adjustment.
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