Expectations as boundary
Your gut is saying “No. Get away from this person.”, but your mind doesn’t have the words for what’s wrong. You have this feeling of deja vu like you’ve been here and done this way too many times before . How do we make sense of what’s happening, stop attracting what doesn’t work, and start attracting people who actually help and compliment your true self?
6 steps from attracting your “Yuck” to attracting your “Yummy”:
Feelings: Name the top three emotions you’re left with after interacting with this person. For example, this person left me feeling jealous, guilty, and angry.
Actions: For each feeling, name the specific actions that led to the emotion.
For example:
Jealous: He or she talked on and on about how many places they traveled last year, how many likes they got on facebook, and how big their salary is each year.
Guilty: This person asked me why I didn’t make as much money as they did.
Angry: This person didn’t even ask if anything was wrong when I stomped out of the coffee shop without another word.
Themes: Name at least one or two themes you notice from the actions you have listed above.
For example, the above actions seem to have a theme of that person talking a lot about themselves and how great they are. They also pointed out the other person’s lack of progress without prompt and seemed oblivious or possibly apathetic to how their actions affect others. AKA Bragging, Making Fun of others, and are insensitive to other’s feelings.
Reframe themes: State the opposite of these themes and see if they would be positive attributes you’d like to see in a friend. For example, the opposite of bragging might be asking others about their accomplishments or interests.
The opposite of putting people down might be noticing strengths in others and encouraging those strengths. The answer for insensitivity might be noticing nonverbal cues that others are upset and initiating conversation or problem solving around the issue.
Imagine reframes as a boundary: If you were in the middle of a circle and that circle was made of these reframed themes as a whole, what would the boundary of expectations be made out of, how high would it go, and how far away would it be? Spend as long as you want imagining being in the middle of this boundary.
Relax within its walls: Explore what objects, words, textures, or beings you would love to be on the inside with you to offset the energy you’re protecting yourself from and that resonate with the energy of your reframes. For example, you might want your best friend, partner, pet, favorite images in your favorite colors, comforting textures…. Spend more time imagining these new details. And notice any shift on the inside as you let yourself relax within the protection and support, resting assured the boundary will do the deciding for you, leaving you free to enjoy the interior.
To wrap up, setting and following through with boundaries sounds pretty daunting, continuous, and exhausting at first. However, the above tips help leverage initial agitation and stress, flipping it upside down into a template that does the maintenance for you, leaving you free to enjoy the ideal social environment you’re automatically creating.
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